


Holding it Together

by birdie_3



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Civil War Team Iron Man, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Tony, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Beta Read, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Natasha Romanov, Recovery, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Starts off Not Steve Rogers Friendly, Steve Rogers Has Issues, Suicide Attempt, Team Cap Critical, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony-centric, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, not team Cap friendly, winteriron
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2019-11-15 09:58:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18071219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birdie_3/pseuds/birdie_3
Summary: After Siberia, Tony's PTSD and anxiety is tearing him apart. But he has a job to do. So does what he does best, he builds and fixes, hanging on by a thread. When he's done though, what's left to hold him together?Bucky is a little scared, but the chance to heal? Who is he to refuse. All he wants is to get rid of the triggers in his head.Team Cap have been pardoned and are back at the Avengers Facility as part of their agreement. Steve thought they'd slip right back into their old routine, but it is not that easy.





	1. Cold

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic so be gentle please. I'm super busy with work and uni but I'll try to keep to schedule 
> 
> This won't be Steve friendly at the start but that won't last the whole fic. There are a lot of things that bothered me but I love Steve so I wanted to have him work through a few things. 
> 
> Thanks and hope you enjoy it!
> 
> Updates on Mondays.

It was cold. 

He couldn't move, when Steve had broken the arc reactor, it had shut down the suit. After the two super soldiers left, he had managed to crawl further in. It provided him some shelter but no warmth. He might not have needed the reactor to keep out the shrapnel anymore, but the suit still required a power source. 

It was so cold.

“FRIDAY? You there?”

There was no reply. “Shit.” Tony could only hope FRIDAY was alerting someone. 

It was really cold.

 

* * *

 

“Miss Potts.”

“Yes FRIDAY?”

“I have lost contact with Boss. His suit has gone off line. Sending through his last location now.” 

“Oh God, Tony is in Siberia? What is he doing in Siberia?”

 

* * *

 

By the time Vision got to Tony, he was in hypothermic shock. Steve smashing his shield into the suit had caused enough damage to the suit that Tony was left with 3 broken ribs and extensive bruising across his torso. And to top it all off, the panic attacks and nightmares were back in full force. Although they’d never gone away since New York, he’d gotten better at managing them. But when Vision came to take him home from the hospital and he got back to the facility to find Cap’s shield leaning against the kitchen counter, he couldn’t breathe and the cold was back. It took almost half an hour for Vision to calm him down again, and only after he’d removed the shield from the room.

Tony disappeared into his workshop for the next 2 days. Nothing Pepper or Rhodey did would get FRIDAY to let them in. Nat only tried after Pepper yelled at her and even she couldn’t find a way around FRIDAY. 

When he finally emerged from his workshop, Rhodey found him in the kitchen making a cup of coffee. “Hey Tones, FRIDAY said you’d finished?” He wasn’t sure what was going on and he didn’t want to accidentally do something that might scare Tony off. 

“Yeah, they still need some tweaking but I’ll need experimental feedback for that.” Tony turned around carefully, nursing his steaming cup. He looked like he hadn’t slept at all the past two days and Rhodey was willing to bet that he probably hadn’t. “You’ll walk again I promise Rhodey.” He gestured to the metal braces leaning against the bench with his free hand. 

“Tones, you didn’t have to,” Rhodey began.

“Nuh-uh Honey bear, no complaining. Now I’m going to take a shower and you’re gonna put those on and when I come back I want test data.”

“Oh so I’m just your guinea pig then?” Rhodey grinned, maybe Tony was going to be okay after all.

He spoke too soon, half an hour later, Tony was still in the shower. The only explanation he got from FRIDAY was “Boss is trying to warm up”.

Rhodey busied himself in the gym, testing out the braces until he was interrupted by a panicked FRIDAY. “Colonel Rhodes, Boss has overridden the temperature limits in the bath, if I continue heating the water he will sustain burns.” 

“Ah shit.”

“Tony, I swear to God if you don’t open this door, I will break it down.” Rhodey banged his hand against Tony’s bathroom door. “I’m not kidding, your workshop door may be bullet proof but this one isn’t.” He raised his arm to hit the door again but swung into empty air as Tony opened the door, a towel wrapped around his waist and a second slung around his shoulders

“I’m just so cold Rhodey...” Tony’s face was pinched and his eyes tired.

“I know Tones, come on, get dressed. I’ve got some data for you.” Rhodey’s face softened at the lost look on Tony’s face. He didn’t want to push the issue right now, but needed to find a psychologist for Tony. Someone discreet.

 

* * *

  

Tony threw himself back into the workshop, Rhodey moved into the facility, he told Tony it was because of his legs, but really he was there to make sure Tony ate and slept. He was sure if they left Tony alone, he’d work himself to death. It was worse than after New York.

“Tony, take a break, you’ve gotta eat something. And how long has it been since you’ve slept.” Rhodey yelled over the music pumping through the workshop.

“It has been 54 hours and 16 minutes since Boss slept.” FRIDAY turned down the music to a more acceptable volume

Tony didn’t even turn away from his work as he replied. “Traitor. And I’m fine Rhodey, I’ll sleep once I’m finished here.” 

“Tony it’s one am. Get some sleep, you can come back to this.”

 

* * *

 

_“He’s my friend.” Steve stated that like it explained everything._

_“So was I.” Tony felt his heart shattering._

_“That shield doesn’t belong to you,” Tony yelled at Steve’s retreating back. No, stay! Don't leave me. Please. “You don't deserve it.” Turn around. “My father made that shield.” Please._

_Cold._

Tony sat up with a gasp. He was shivering uncontrollably. “FRIDAY turn the heating up.” He thinks she might have replied but he couldn’t hear her over the roaring in his ears. 

“Colonel, Boss had a nightmare.” Rhodey had asked FRIDAY to wake him up after Tony almost burnt himself again trying to get warm. Struggling a little, he made it out of his bed, into the wheelchair. He wheeled himself out and to Tony’s door.

“Tones, you in there?” He pushed open the door. God, it was warm in here. Tony was still shivering violently, curled in on himself wrapped in blankets. “Oh shit, Tony, Tony look at me. You’re in New York. We’re in the New Avengers Facility remember?” 

“I-I’m so c-cold.” Tony stuttered out. That was good, he knew Rhodey was there, but his eyes were glassy, looking through Rhodey rather than at him. 

“Tony, it's okay, you’re home.” Rhodey wheeled up to the bed and heaved himself up. Sitting on the edge, he placed his hands on Tony’s shoulders. “Its okay, feel my hands, they’re warm right?” Tony nodded slightly, he was still shivering, but it was more of a tremble now.

Rhodey sat there with his hands on Tony’s shoulders until he calmed down again. “What's the time?” Tony asked softly. 

"It's almost three thirty. Go back to sleep Tony." Rhodey tried to push him back down.

"No, can't sleep now. I'm going to go down to the workshop." He pulled the covers off him, a little more awake now, shuffling towards the door. 

Rhodey manoeuvred himself back into his chair and rolled after him. "Tony, you need more sleep." 

Tony turned to face his friend, "I can't Rhodey, I can't sleep and I need to do something. I close my eyes, Rhodey and I-I just, it's, I can't, Rhodey." Tony was almost pleading and Rhodey could see the desperation in his eyes. Rhodey never asked what it was the Tony dreamt about but he knew it was too much for Tony to face alone. And that was the problem. After New York, he had the team, and eventually, he got better at managing his anxiety. But what was he supposed to do not that his team, his family had left. When it was one of them who was causing these panic attacks. Rhodey might not have asked, but he knew it was Captain Rogers who was at the root of this all. 

"Yeah alright then, but I'm coming down there with you. I'm not leaving you alone right now." Rhodey was firm as he gestured for Tony to lead the way.

 

* * *

 

"Cap," Sam called from the cockpit of their stolen quinjet. "Cap. Steve."

"Yes, sorry, just got a bit distracted." Steve shook his head and turned to face him. "Is there something you need?"

"You've been out of it since you picked us up from the Raft. Whats going on Cap?" He put the jet on autopilot and spun to face him.

"I just, I sent Stark a letter and a phone, and well I know it ended badly, but I, well I thought I would have heard from him by now." Steve sighed and looked a little hurt. 

"Steve, just give him some time. I'm sure he'll come around." Sam gave him a slightly pitying look. “We can call Nat if you still haven't heard from him in a few days."

“Thanks."

 

* * *

 

 

“Sam." Natasha's face appeared on the holo screen.

“Nat, how are you? How is Rhodey doing, and Stark?”

"Well they’re alive." Nat’s answer was short and her tone clipped. 

"Nat, who is it?” Empty mug in hand, Tony shuffled over to the kitchen. Nat froze.

"Oh. Hi Sam." Tony's voice was slightly rough. "Didn't expect you to be calling.” He smiled weakly, Nat let out a small sigh of relief, seeing Sam didn’t trigger a panic attack and Tony seemed alright, slightly hurt but otherwise fine for the moment.

"Stark." Sam hadn't quite prepared to see Tony again yet. "How are you?”

“Never better.” The mask snapped up but the false bravado was easy to see through and it broke Nat’s heart. “What have you been up to these days?”

“You know, just hiding from the government, the usual.” Sam gave a small grin.

"Tony?" Steve's voice filtered in from somewhere behind Sam and Tony froze. A second later, his face appeared beside his. 

"Shit." Nat dropped the phone and turned around. "Tony, you with me here?" Tony's eyes were glassy and his breathing had sped up.

"Tony? Nat? What's going on?" Steve's voice still coming through the phone. 

"FRIDAY end the call." Nat had already jumped over the back of the couch to where Tony was curled on the floor, coffee spilt beside him. "Come on Tony, stay with me here. It's fine, they aren't here, its just us Tony."

"Right yeah, okay, I'm okay." Tony's voice as a little shaky but he was looking at Nat and his breathing had steadied. "I'm going to take a shower." He turned on his heels and left. 

Damn it. Nat knew they had just taken a step back. “There is a call for you, Agent Romanov. I took the liberty of silencing it." FRIDAY's Irish accent came filtering in. 

"Thanks." She walked back over to where she'd dropped his phone. It was Sam again, her finger hesitated over the end button for a few seconds. "This had better be worth it." She muttered angrily at the two faces now peering at her from the screen. 

"What just happened? Is everything alright? Where did Tony go?” Steve was frowning with what Nat guessed was confusion and concern he had no right to.

"No, everything is not alright, no thanks to you." Nat held her anger, bubbling under the surface. She could hear the water running and he knew Tony wouldn't be out of the shower for at least another half hour.

"Nat, please just explain." Sam tried

"Explain? I don't think you deserve an explanation." At the hurt in their face's Nat continued. "Or maybe, you do, you deserve to know exactly what it is your actions have caused." 

"We were just doing what we thought was right. You switched sides too.” Steve tried to defend himself. "Bucky was innocent..."

"No, Steve, you don't get to talk here. I did what I thought was right but I owned up to my actions. I let you go, but I didn’t try and kill Tony in the process.” Nat’s pokerface held steady but her eyes glared accusingly. “He doesn't go out anymore, he barely sleeps. He only eats when we make him. He probably wouldn't even shower if it wasn't for the fact he spends half his time trying to warm up again. What just happened you asked? A panic attack, that’s what. He'd gotten so much better after New York and now it's worse than it ever was.” Nat paused to regain her composure. “He could have died, and he knows it. And this time, it wasn't because of aliens or demi gods. It was because his team, because you, hurt him and left him to die." 

"He didn't need the arc reactor anymore, he had it removed," Steve replied. 

"The reactor still powered the suit. He was injured and stuck and you left him there to freeze. That would have killed him if Vision hadn’t brought him back." Nat fought back the urge to end the call then. “Not sure if you remember, but Tony’s no super soldier. Did you know you broke three of his ribs?”

“But,” Steve started to talk before Nat cut him off again.

“No, no buts, you don’t get to defend yourself, not when Tony’s suffering like this. Don't call again.” And with that, she ended the call.

“Well, that went well.” Sam kept his back to Steve for a moment longer. When he turned around, Steve was staring out the cockpit of the quinjet. “Steve?”

“I didn’t realise it was that bad.” His voice was low and choked, “I thought, I don’t know, but… I wasn’t meant to be like this Sam. You didn’t see the fight. Tony just attacked Bucky, he was trying to kill him.”

Sam wasn’t too sure about what had happened in Siberia. Steve and Bucky had emerged battered and bruised and Sam had assumed it had been the other Winter Soldiers, but if he interpreted Steve’s words correctly, it hadn’t been Soldiers, but Stark who had caused the damage. “Steve, what happened, in Siberia? Stark said there were more Winter Soldiers?”

Steve looked up at Sam with a shaky glance, a tinge of guilt in his eyes. “The Winter Soldiers were already dead when we got there. Stark attacked Bucky and well, I had to disable the suit.”

“Its my fault Steve, I sent him to you. I thought he would go as a friend.” Sam attempted to offer some comfort. “Steve, you didn’t mean to, you were just trying to save Bucky.”

“Yeah, I was just trying to save Bucky.”

 

* * *

 

FRIDAY, create new active override, codes Honeybear and Spider. Honeybear code permission granted to Rhodey, Spider code permission granted to Peter and Nat.” Tony grimaced, he needed to keep himself alive for a little longer, he still had things to do, people he owed.

“Understood, priority status and parameters Boss?” 

“Priority 1, only creator override is to be a higher priority.” He needed to keep his failsafe there and a way to cancel these codes when he didn’t need them anymore. “Override is only to be valid when both codes are provided. Relay this information to them for me. Thanks baby girl.” 

As it so happened Rhodey and Natasha were all in the lounge of the facility when FRIDAY informed them of their new override.

“I would stress that you do not abuse this privilege Boss has given you. I may have to obey the override but I can make your lives very difficult in here.” The normally lilting tones were noticeably harsher. 

“Understood FRIDAY, we won’t break Tony’s trust.” Rhodey supplied for both of them. “We’re gonna have to talk to the kid. Tony wants to take him home himself tomorrow.” 

“I’ll go find him.” Nat’s lips were pursed. At least Tony wasn’t giving away all his things again, although she wasn’t sure if this was potentially more worrying. Even when he was dying, he went to ridiculous lengths to keep it hidden and here he was, three days home and throwing override codes to them.

Natasha found Peter in his room staring at the ceiling as he spoke with FRIDAY. “What happened to Mr Stark after the airport? I mean giving me a suit is one thing but why is he giving me an override code?”

“I believe Agent Romanov has come to explain that to you.” 

“Oh, um hi Agent Romanov.” Peter sat up very suddenly. Even after staying in the facility the past week, he was still fairly nervous around everyone. Nat supposed that having the only familiar face he knew basically be absent didn’t help much. Peter hadn’t seen Tony since he’d come back from the hospital. 

“Hey kid, I’ve told you before, call me Nat, we’re spider buddies aren’t we?” She was trying to be more empathetic, the events of the past few weeks had shown her not only were her team mates lacking but she could be too.

“Nat, right, sorry. Um, so whats happening? Is Mr Stark okay? I heard he got out of the hospital a few days ago but I haven’t seen him. Is he mad at me? I tried I really did.” Peter all but threw the words at Nat.

“Calm down, it's okay, he just needed some time to himself.” Nat sat down on the bed with a small exhale. “I don’t want to betray Tony’s trust in me, but there are a few things you’ve got to know.” Peter seemed to understand that he didn’t need to say anything and was listening intently, concern clearly etched on his face. “A lot happened after the airport, most of it not good. I won’t go into detail but the result was Tony got stranded in Siberia in his broken suit. He’s been through a lot and he has PTSD. Do you know what that is?”

Peter nodded, he went to see a psych after his parents died and after Uncle Ben was killed. Aunt May wanted to make sure he dealt with everything in a healthy way.

“Well Tony’s condition has worsened due to being stranded and he’s given us the override codes to help him when he needs it. Tony will be taking you home tomorrow, I don’t think he wants to make a big deal out of it since he asked FRIDAY to tell us, so probably don’t mention it unless he does.” 

“Right of course. Will Mr Stark be okay?” 

“Yeah, it will just take some time but we’ll make sure he’s gets there.” Nat offered the worried teenager a small smile. He was too young to be dealing with this shit. At first she had been angry at Tony for bringing a kid into it. Then she met him and realised he was probably safer with Tony’s tech. He was too stubborn and would have continued his night time adventures with or without Ton’s help. None of them had thought the situation at the airport was going to turn into a fight.

With a small squeeze to his shoulder, she got up. “Anymore questions kid? 

“Um, just one more. Is Mr Stark mad at me? Is that why he’s sending me home?” 

“No, Pete, he’s just worried about you. He doesn’t want you caught up in all the Accords bullshit till its sorted out. And your Aunt May is expecting you home soon.” 

“Oh right, well, thanks, Agent Romanov.” A raised eyebrow from Nat and Peter blushed and stammered, “I mean, thanks um Nat.”


	2. Accountability

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support, especially everyone who left a comment. I really appreciate your thoughts and enjoy hearing what you think so keep dropping them in! Here's chapter 2, enjoy!

Cameras flashed as Tony walked across the stage. This was his first public appearance since Siberia. Unlike his infamous ‘I am Iron Man’ conference, Tony stuck to his cards this time.

The chatter died when he stopped behind the podium and cleared his throat. “I would like to begin by first apologising, not just for the damage caused over the last few weeks by the Avengers, but also for any damage we have caused in the past. We need to be held accountable for our actions. The Accords are by no means perfect, and I intend to spend the upcoming weeks in discussion with the UN to work on this document.” 

“Accountability begins now. On that note, I need to address something that is not yet public knowledge. Two weeks ago, I went to Siberia. I had reason to believe Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes were there and I did this behind General Ross’ back.” Tony knew the government wouldn’t try to arrest him whilst he was on stage, and when he was done, there would be a very low chance they would arrest him at all. They were too afraid of what would happen if there were no Avengers left.

“I believed that the Captain and Barnes were in danger and I was right. It was a trap, set up by Helmut Zemo, who is now in US custody. Zemo was behind the bombing of the UN summit and framed Barnes, triggering the events of the Civil War and when I arrived in Siberia, we walked right into his web. That said, we are not blameless, I am not blameless.”

He shifted a little restlessly and took a deep breath, “In the heat of the moment, I attacked Sergeant Barnes. Captain Rogers attempted to stop me and we fought. For this, I would also like to apologise.” Exhaling slowly, Tony continued, “Accountability is not just apologising but also taking responsibility. Stark Industries be funding the repair in the aftermath of the Civil War and I will personally be working on the negotiations for pardons for Captain Rogers and his team.”

Tony looked tiredly across the room. He had originally intended on answering questions but the speech had taken more out of him than he had expected. “Thank you for your time, I won’t be taking questions today.” With that, the room exploded in noise. Tony gathered his cards and shuffled off the stage, leaving Happy and the rest of the security to deal with the reporters.

He was ushered back to his car, Nat pushing a path through the crowd that had already gathered outside. The concierge opened the door as he slid into the driver's seat, Nat taking the passengers side. The engine was already running so the moment the doors shut, he took off.

"Good job, you did well Tony." Nat broke the not entirely comfortable silence.

Tony shrugged, flicking his eyes towards her before returning his attention to the road. "I'm getting better."

Nat agreed, he was getting better, but only at pretending he was fine. 

 

* * *

 

The news of Tony’s press release reached Wakanda the same evening. Steve, Clint, Wanda and Scott were eating dinner in the kitchen of their fairly expansive floor when T’Challa arrived to inform them of the news.

“Good evening, I am only here briefly to give you an update. Mr Stark is currently working on pardons for you all, Sergeant Barnes is likely to be cleared of all charges in the coming days. I recommend you read some of the news articles from America for more in-depth information.” 

“Thank you.” Steve made to stand up but T’Challa waved him back down. 

“I will leave you to your dinner. I will bring you more information once negotiations have begun.” With a small nod to the group, T’Challa left them to discuss the news.

Clint had already started googling and had found a recording of Tony’s statement. “Look at him, trying to get in their good books again. That’s the only reason he’s doing this. Makes him look good.” 

“Thats a little unfair, don’t you think?” Steve frowned a little but his heart wasn’t in it. After New York, Steve had thought maybe his first impression was wrong. Then Tony created Ultron, and signed the Accords. And then Siberia, all just served to reinforce that first impression. Stark was arrogant, didn’t think things through, and he only cared about himself. 

 

* * *

 

Whilst Tony occupied himself in his workshop and in meetings about the Accords, Natasha took it upon herself to get to know Peter better. She began teaching him how to fight properly and take the fullest advantage of his powers. They were taking a break during one of their sparring sessions when Peter suddenly blurted “Why is Mr Stark helping Captain America?”

Nat put down her drink bottle and turned to face Peter. “I’m not sure Peter.” 

“But, wasn’t it Rogers who hurt him? Why does Mr Stark have to apologise?” Peter frowned at the floor, his fists clenched in frustration.

“Tony is doing all he can to keep the Avengers together, that’s all he’s ever done.” She had noticed it too late, too caught up in her own survival instinct and too stubborn to see past her initial assessment. Iron Man: Yes, Tony Stark: Not Recommended. We took Tony for granted, and he paid the price.

Peter huffed a little. “I still don’t see why Rogers should be allowed to come back.” 

It would be hypocritical of Natasha to criticise Tony for helping Steve. He’d done basically the same thing for her. To be fair, she hadn’t tried to kill him. Peter saved her from having to reply, changing the topic in his next breath. 

 

* * *

 

“Hey Tony.” Hurt flashed quickly in Natasha’s eyes at Tony’s flinch.

Tony didn’t turn around, continuing to work on the blue hologram schematics around him. “Nat.”

“Why did you help me?” 

“You didn’t do anything I didn’t end up doing.” He said with a shrug. She had let Steve and Bucky go, Tony hadn’t told Ross he was following them to Siberia. If he got to come home at the end of the day, then Nat deserved that too. 

“Still, you didn’t have to help me.” Natasha didn’t understand why, sure what Tony said was true. But she betrayed him. She wouldn’t have helped herself if she had been in Tony’s shoes. “You didn’t have to invite me to stay here either.” 

She’d only agreed after Rhodes had called her and basically threatened her to accept the invitation, that had been entirely unexpected. Tony hadn’t gotten back with Pepper and she was too busy with Stark Industries in any case. Rhodes was still learning to walk and Vision didn’t quite understand the lasting effects of their fallout. As much as he was annoyed with her, he knew Tony needed someone who could help.

Tony shrugged again, waving a hand dismissively. Nat knew his act of nonchalance was exactly that, an act. She didn’t call him out on it though. 

“Mmmm. That’s not why you came down here though.” Tony could be surprisingly perceptive. Nat wasn’t sure why it still caught her off guard, she’d been around him often enough. 

“Peter asked me something today.” Nat crossed her arms and lent against one of the benches. “I didn’t know the answer and I’d like to know. Why are you helping Steve?”

Tony turned around and ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. “I’m not helping Rogers.” 

Nat raised an eyebrow at him.

“I mean yeah, I’m helping him, but that’s just because I’m trying to help Barnes.” Tony rubbed his chest absentmindedly. “I shouldn’t have attacked him. It wasn’t his fault. I mean I see that now and I should have then too. I was just so angry, but it was my fault. I shouldn’t have let it get to me. I should have thought it through better, and just …” 

“Tony. Tony! Take a breath.” Nat interrupted him before he could work himself into a panic again. “Breathe okay? And explain, what happened in Siberia? And don’t give me the bullshit from your press conference, obviously there was more to it.”

Tony exhaled loudly. “There was a tape, of my parent’s car accident. Only, it wasn’t actually an accident.” 

Suddenly Nat knew exactly what it was. “It was Barnes. Your parents’ accident, it was the Winter Soldier.” 

Tony’s eyes flickered up and met Nat’s. “So you knew too?

“I,” Nat swallowed, “I knew it was Hydra, and I guessed it was the Winter Soldier.” 

Tony only smiled sadly. 

“I’m sorry Tony.”

“At least you didn’t try to lie to me.”

“Ah.” The final piece clicked into place. “When you saw the tape, Steve said he didn’t know, that’s why you fought them.” 

“He tried to say he didn’t know it was Barnes. I actually punched Rogers first.” Tony grimaced. “I should have let him explain.” 

“Tony you just saw your parents murdered, no one would expect you to act rationally.” 

Rogers did, Tony thought to himself, but he just shrugged again. 

“Anyway, what’s done is done. I made a deal, if I want to bring Barnes back and cure him, they want the rest of Team Cap to come back as well. Mostly, they want Rogers back. And they all have to sign the Accords, or retire. Same deal you got offered.” 

“Ross can’t be happy about that.”

“He’s in trouble for putting them in the Raft. That hadn’t been approved by the Council either. So looks like we’re all playing nice for a little while.” 

Nat hummed thoughtfully but said nothing further. 

 

* * *

 

Bucky’s eyes snapped open, darting around the room rapidly. He went to test his restraints only to find he had none. The room was too bright, too clean. Then it came flooding back, Steve, the airport, Siberia. Wakanda. He’d gone back into cryo. They must have found a way to remove the triggers if he was being woken. 

“Good Morning, Sergeant Barnes.” The King’s soothing voice washed over him as he finally focused on the figure in front of him. 

“Your Highness.” His voice was a little rough. He swallowed a couple of times but waited for the King to speak.

T'Challa waited until the doctors had left before speaking.  “There have been some discussions in the US. It seems your pardon will be successful. The others will be pardoned and will be returning to America. If you wish, you may join them. Mr Stark was able to adapt his Binary Augmented Retro Framing technology to target your triggers and if you so chose, will treat you upon your return.”

Bucky wasn’t sure how to respond, he was still processing the fact that he had a chance to remove the triggers and have his mind back again. “Wait, Stark? Why…?” Why was he helping? Didn’t Stark hate him?

“I do not know the motivation behind Mr Stark’s actions, but I can assure you there are no tricks here. Shuri has been helping Mr Stark with the technology. He has also been the driving force behind your pardons.” The King shrugged slightly. “You will have to ask him his reasons yourself. You do not have to make a decision yet, although I warn you I will be informing Captain Rogers that you have been woken. I expect you will see him in the next hour.” 

Bucky nodded. “Thank you, Your Highness.” Bucky didn’t need much persuasion, he would take any chance to scrub his mind clean of the programming. 

Bucky knew rationally, that it wasn’t his fault. The things he’d done, the people he’d killed. But they still haunted him. He didn’t need much sleep due to his own serum, but before he’d been put into the cryo chamber, he’d been plagued with nightmares. Watching as he carried out the missions, killed people and could do nothing but watch them die. 

After Siberia, before he’d gone under again, the dreams had focused on the Starks. He could hear Howard Stark almost pleading “Sergeant Barnes.” The gurgling as he strangled Maria Stark in her seat. 

He didn’t deserve Stark’s help. 

Bucky was still sitting in the med bay lost in his thoughts when Steve burst in. 

“Buck!”

“Steve.” 

“Have you heard the news? We’re going home.” Steve’s face was bright with excitement but Bucky couldn’t summon the same enthusiasm.

Bucky tried a smile but he was fairly sure it came out as a grimace. “I’m not sure I’m worth all this trouble Steve.” 

“It wasn’t your fault Bucky.” Steve’s eyes were big and earnest. 

Bucky shrugged a little awkwardly, “That doesn’t change anything though. I was still their weapon.”

“It wasn’t you.” Steve insisted.

Bucky just shrugged again. “Yeah, the King said Stark has some tech to fix my head too.” Bucky offered a small smile until Steve frowned. “Whats wrong?

“I, I don’t trust him Buck. He tried to kill you.” 

Silence hung in the air for a moment before Bucky replied tentatively. “Steve, I don't think he was.” 

“What do you mean Bucky?” Steve’s frown deepened as he bristled at the idea.

“I’ve seen what that suit can do Steve. He didn’t hit us with anything lethal, even when I was down, he could have killed me then. He was just angry, and hurt.” Bucky stared intently at the floor. Who wouldn’t feel that after watching someone kill their parents? “But I don't think he was trying to kill me.”

“Buck he tore your arm off. Just think about it pal. You don’t have to accept anything from him.”

Bucky looked up at Steve slightly incredulously. “Don’t you want me to get rid of the programming?”

“No of course I do.” Steve was quick to reassure him. “Just, be careful. Alright?”

“Yeah, alright.” Bucky went back to staring at the floor.

“We’ll get a place together, maybe go back to Brooklyn again!” Steve grinned at Bucky, his concern forgotten. 

Bucky didn’t reply other than a quiet hum. Honestly, Steve’s mood swings were going to give him whiplash. He let Steve ramble on for a bit, not really paying much attention. 

Why was Stark offering to help him? The King seemed to think that his motivations didn’t matter. The Wakandans had also helped in developing the technology so he could at least be mostly sure that it was safe. As safe as trying to rewrite his brain could be he supposed.

“So whaddya think Buck?”

Bucky glanced up realising Steve was waiting for a reply. He tried to remember what Steve had been saying but came up blank. “Sorry, it’s a lot to take in,” he murmured apologetically.

“It’s okay, we’ll work it out when we get back.” Steve placed a comforting arm on Bucky’s good shoulder. “I’m with you till the end of the line pal.”

Steve stuck around a little longer until a doctor returned with some clothes and a towel. Bucky had to remain in the medical wing for a while longer. They wanted to do some final checks before he left and Stark had requested some functional neuroimaging scans be sent to him ahead of their arrival.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has made an appearance! What did you think? I didn't want Bucky to be drowning in guilt but also he has his own recovery to work through too.
> 
> Also just a thing I wanted to address, I know there are a lot of different takes on Steve's rank in the military. I'm more familiar with the MCU so basically, the interpretation I'm running with is that he was given a field promotion to Captain. He wears Captain rank on his service dress (I'm not sure, is that what they call it in the US Army? I'm an Aussie and that's what its called here) in the movies and in The First Avenger, Colonel Phillips and Peggy Carter both refer to Steve as "Captain Rogers" so I'm taking that as Steve was promoted to Captain and not just a stage name associated with the Captain America persona.


	3. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's Monday!!
> 
> Thank you for the comments again, definitely gave me some ideas too! Bit more Bucky in this one!

Twelve days after the press release, James ‘Bucky’ Barnes was cleared of all charges. Soon after “Team Cap”, as they had been dubbed by the public, were also pardoned. Stark Industries’ B.A.R.F technology had been further developed and Barnes was to be woken from cryo. He, along with Team Cap, would be transported under the custody of the Wakandan King, who had revealed he had granted them asylum. Upon their arrival in New York, they were to be housed in the Avengers Facility. 

“A gilded cage is still a cage.” Clint protested, their pardons were a farce. They weren’t allowed to leave the Facility for 6 months, they had until then to sign the Accords or they would be forced to retire and placed under another 18 months house arrest.

“It’s a good behaviour period, be grateful we are allowed to return home at all.” In all honesty, Scott had had enough of Clint. He hadn’t stopped complaining since they’d landed in Wakanda.

“Stark was the one negotiating on our behalf, I’m surprised we aren’t confined for life.” Wanda scoffed.

“Stark got us pardons, we should be thankful for that.” Scott frowned. Clint and Wanda weren’t Stark’s biggest fans and he could understand their frustration with him. But Stark had stuck his neck out for them all and they weren’t the least bit grateful.

“I’m sure once we’re there we can talk to them and sort out a better deal,” Steve reassured the others.

 

* * *

 

Bucky hadn’t spoken much since being woken. He was a little skeptical about whether Stark’s tech would be able to cure him and even if it got rid of the HYDRA programming, he’d changed. He wasn’t the same Bucky Steve remembered anymore. But then Steve wasn’t the same either. The old Steve couldn’t stand bullies. Now, he barely even defended Stark. Whilst they hadn’t parted on friendly terms, through that was a bit of an understatement, the things Barton and Maximoff were spouting were out of line and Steve hardly protested. 

While he didn’t fully trust Stark, Bucky didn’t think he deserved the vitriol the others were spitting about him. No matter his motivations, Stark was helping them, and didn’t seem to be asking anything in return. 

In order to avoid the media, their return flight was classified information. When they landed, they were greeted by two drivers who hadn’t said anything other than to direct them into the cars. The drive to the facility was accompanied by a tense silence.

The drivers were obviously more than just drivers as they led the group into the facility and into the elevators. “The facility has been remodelled. You have all been assigned new rooms, your access codes remain the same and will allow you into your rooms, the gym and training areas, the mess and the common rooms. Any further access must be requested, just ask FRIDAY. She will pass the request on to the appropriate person.” 

They exited the elevator on the third floor and walked past a small common room and a kitchen, to their rooms. The doors had name plates beside them, designating each room’s occupant. “Ask FRIDAY if you have any further queries.” The two drivers returned to the elevators, leaving them in the corridor.

“What happened to our old rooms?” Steve frowned in confusion. They had the entire top three floors in the Tower and half a floor in the facility before they left. 

“They said the facility was remodelled, perhaps that included our rooms.” Sam gave a shrug, he had never stayed in a single place for long when he was in the Air Force and never had a connection to any one place.

“What the fuck?” They all turned to Clint who had just opened his room and was standing in the door way, looking ready to punch something. “Where is that bastard?” Or someone. “This is barely a room.” The others keyed in their codes and pressed their thumbs against the scanners.

Pushing the doors open revealed a standard room with a double bed in the back right corner and a small desk and bookshelf in the left corner and a wardrobe against the right wall beside the bed. Steve could see no bathroom and looked up at the ceiling. “FRIDAY, where is the bathroom?” 

“You will find the shared bathroom at the end of the corridor, Rogers.” Steve didn’t miss the dropping of his rank and her clipped tone. The last time she had seen him was when he was fighting Tony so he supposed her animosity was understandable. 

“And where is Stark living then? I can bet he’s not holed up in a cell like this.” Clint growled from his room. When there was no reply forthcoming, he glared at the ceiling. “Hey, FRIDAY, I asked a question.”

“I was unaware the question was directed at me. Boss continues to live in his old rooms. He does fund the Facility after all.” FRIDAY had been told to answer their questions but she was not in a helpful mood and was pushing it to the limits of her programming. 

“Right, of course, King Stark up in his palace while we are here rotting in the cells.” 

Bucky thought Barton was being a little dramatic its not like they needed any more space in the bedrooms and they had access to the common room and kitchen as well. They weren’t even paying rent for any of this. If they were used to more, Stark must have been spoiling them. Honestly, Bucky thought Stark must be pretty generous if this is what he was providing after their fight.

He placed his backpack on the end of the bed and walked around the room slowly, inspecting the furniture. There was only one door leading to the hallway, a window that didn’t open and an air vent in the ceiling. He knew would survive jumping out the window, they were only on the third floor. He was also fairly sure he could reach the ceiling vent and it looked large enough for him to fit through. Crawling through the vents would be difficult with one arm but he would manage it. Satisfied with his assessment, he began to unpack his things.

“I’ll talk to Tony and get him to give us more suitable accommodation.” Steve was attempting to reassure Barton once again. Bucky tuned them out as he arranged his few possessions. He vaguely registered Maximoff’s voice and a slam of a door which was probably Lang. 

 

* * *

 

“Boss, Sergeant Barnes has left his room.” FRIDAY interrupted Tony’s tinkering. He was upgrading the armour.

“Why are you telling me this Fri, he’s allowed across that level.” He continued his work, not looking up.

“Its 2am Boss.”

“And he’s allowed to leave his room.” FRIDAY didn’t respond and Tony lasted almost 3 minutes before asking “Baby, pull up the security feed of Barnes.”

“I thought you said he was allowed to explore his floor.” The smirk was almost audible in her tone.

“Don’t sass me Fri, just give me the feed.”

"Sure thing Boss." A small video feed appeared in the corner of one of Tony's holographic displays. Barnes had found his way to the common room and was poking around the cupboards and drawers. He didn't seem to be taking anything, just looking in every single drawer and opening each door, glancing in before shutting it again. Once he'd gone through everything, he sat down at the table and pulled out a small notebook. Tony could get FRIDAY to zoom in on it, but he felt that would be a bit too much of a breach of Barnes' privacy. If he was honest, watching the security feed could be considered a little creepy, but they all knew the common areas of the Facility were monitored.

It seemed Barnes wasn't doing anything else other than writing in his notebook so Tony went back to working on the armour. 

When Tony next checked the feed, the notebook had been put away and Barnes was just sitting there staring blankly at the wall. Tony watched for a minute but he didn’t seem to be moving at all, other than the blinking of his eyes. 

At 4:47, Tony saw movement on the feed out the corner of his eye. Barnes got up and slowly walked back to his room. 

“Well, that was anti-climactic.” Tony thought out loud.

It happened the next night, and the night after. And the night after that too. Barnes would leave his room at around 2 and go back in at 4:30. All he did was sit at the table and write in his notebook. 

Tony noticed on the third morning that at 5, Rogers would leave his room, use the bathroom and head to the gym. Barnes would go back to the kitchen and eat breakfast and return to his room before Rogers got back. 

On the fifth morning, Tony realised Barnes only left his room of his own accord when Rogers was at the gym. If he didn’t know any better, it seemed like Barnes was avoiding Rogers. Sure he’d leave his room when Rogers knocked but it seemed to take a fair amount of coaxing to get him out. 

It was interesting. Tony was curious.

 

* * *

 

Bucky was getting a little frustrated with Steve. He hadn’t left him alone since he’d been woken in Wakanda. He thought Steve would get better when he got home, but it was still just as bad.

The first night, when he couldn’t sleep more than a couple of hours, he’d gone into the common area and checked everything out, cataloguing everything that could be a potential weapon. All their weapons had been confiscated and wouldn’t be returned unless they signed the Accords. It seemed, they were still trusted with kitchen knives. 

When he was done, he still didn’t think he’d be able to sleep. He took out the journal the psychologist in Wakanda had given him. He was supposed to write down his thoughts. Things that happened during the day, things that were bothering him, a list of things he liked or didn’t, memories that surfaced. He was a little skeptical but what could it hurt. 

He wrote a few lines about the plane trip and their arrival in America but he didn’t have much else so he put the book away and just sat there, enjoying the quiet. No complaining from Barton and Maximoff, no pestering from Steve to talk or spar. He didn’t mind Wilson and Lang but it was nice to have no one bothering him. So he just sat there. 

A quick glance at the clock told him he’d been in the kitchen for two and a half hours when he heard shuffling in the corridor. He heard the bathroom door shut and he stood up and slipped back into his room, careful not to make any noise. He didn’t need someone coming into the kitchen and questioning what he was doing. 

A few minutes later he heard a soft knock on his door. “Bucky?” Steve’s voice filtered through. “You up? I’m going to the gym. Wanna come?”

Bucky stayed still and kept his breathing even. Hopefully, Steve would think he was asleep or at least take the hint that he didn’t want to. He didn’t hear anything further but he didn’t hear any footsteps either. 

He waited a little longer before whispering. “FRIDAY?” He hoped Stark’s robot voice would be able to hear him.

There was a small pause before he got an answer. “Sergeant Barnes, how may I be of assistance?” The robot voice was a little muted but still loud enough to be audible through the door,especially to a super soldier. He hoped Steve had left.

“Do you know if Steve is still there?” He kept his voice low and hushed.

“Rogers has left for the gym.” The voice seemed amused. “There’s no need to whisper Sergeant Barnes, the rooms are completely sound proof.”

“How did I hear Steve earlier then?”

“There is a small speaker that activates when the door is knocked.” It seemed a lot kinder than it had earlier when it was answering Steve and Barton. 

“Is there anything else I may assist you with Sergeant?” The voice asked when he didn’t say anything.

“Uh no, thank you.” 

“You are welcome Sergeant Barnes.” If it had a face, Bucky imagined it would be smiling, for a robot, it was very expressive. 

After pretending to be asleep the first two mornings, Steve stopped knocking at 5 and wouldn’t try until after he got back a couple of hours later. 

As much as he was grateful Steve had helped him, he was also getting sick of Steve constantly dragging him around everywhere, not that they had anywhere to go. But Steve would pester him to come and sit with him while he drew or join him in the common room or eat meals together or go to the gym. 

The voice didn’t seem to like Steve much. So if it had been helping him avoid Steve, Bucky wasn’t going to complain. 

 

* * *

 

Sometimes Bucky woke because of the nightmares. Some nights he’d wake up thrashing, pulling at restraints that weren’t there, others he’d jolt awake in a sweat, not really sure what it had been exactly. The worst though were the ones where he would watch himself carry out missions and couldn’t do a single thing to stop himself. He’d meant it when he’d told Stark he remembered all of them. 

The nightmares had started soon after he broke the conditioning. But they’d been fuzzy, he often woke up shaking and upset but with no real memory of the dream. They’d gotten clearer and more frequent until he barely ever got through a night.

It seemed the super soldier serum made up for the lack of sleep though. No matter how emotionally exhausted he felt, physically, he was pretty sure he could run a marathon and be perfectly fine to do it again. 

Most nights he managed a couple hours of sleep before he woke, but it seemed that was enough for the super soldier serum to work with. No matter how emotionally exhausted he felt, physically, he was pretty sure he could run a marathon and be perfectly fine to do it again.

The psychologist in Wakanda had recommended he see a one in the US, and if not at least a therapist. The facility had two psychs working in the med bay and a team of therapists on rotation 24 hours. But Bucky hadn’t quite worked up the courage to go down there. 

The psych in Wakanda had been assigned to conduct an evaluation before he entered cryo as a baseline and before his departure had offered some general advice. He likely wouldn’t have seen anyone otherwise.

He had to admit, the notebook had been helpful in sorting out his thoughts and he’d been speaking to FRIDAY, who had been very helpful in providing information on mental health and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

During the war, they’d called it shell shock, though that was a little outdated and the doctors had often diagnosed it as combat stress fatigue. But no one spoke about it. 

The voice, or rather FRIDAY, had informed him that many often still avoided the topic but there were people and groups out there who were working to destigmatise it. She’d given him resources for support groups for veterans and prisoners of war as well as phone numbers and websites to helplines and online councillors. They were all written on a page in his notebook but he hadn’t tried any of them. 

How would the even help, sure they were probably qualified and experienced, but had they ever been trained to deal with a brainwashed assassin who’d spent 70 years been frozen, defrosted, used and frozen again?

Maybe Stark’s treatment would fix him. It had been tailored to erase his triggers but from what he’d understood, the B.A.R.F technology had originally created to aid the user in overcoming traumatic experiences. Until then, well he wasn’t alright, but he was dealing with it. 


	4. Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is late! Uni has been hectic the last couple weeks and I wasn't happy with where the chapter was on Sunday night. 
> 
> As always, I appreciate all your comments so keep leaving them below!! 
> 
> Enjoy!!

It had been almost two weeks and Tony had managed to avoid all contact with his former teammates so far. Nat and Rhodey had been running interference whenever they had tried to find him and FRIDAY wouldn’t let them up into his rooms or down to the workshop and would warn him if they were headed in his direction. He knew he couldn’t avoid them forever and he would have to start treating Barnes at some point. 

He’d cleared out a training room on the second floor, set it up for the B.A.R.F and filled the corners with colourful beanbags and blankets. He knew what it was like to wake up from a panic attack inducing nightmare and Barnes’ B.A.R.F treatment was likely to feel the same. He figured the colours and textures might help ground him and if nothing else, at least it wouldn’t feel like a lab or whatever dungeon, lair or cell HYDRA kept him in. 

He was standing in the doorway of the room, hands absentmindedly fiddling with a B.A.R.F. headset when Steve found him. Lost in his thoughts, he’s missed FRIDAY’s warning.

“Tony, I’ve been looking for you.”

The clatter as he dropped the headset was jarringly loud, echoing in his head slightly. He took a deep breath and plastered a smirk on his face before he turned to face Steve. “Well, you’re looking at me now Captain.” 

Steve frowned. Tony had seemed more agreeable during his press conference, humbler even. It seemed that was all just another performance. He was still as arrogant and rude as before. Crossing his arms he took a step closer and looked down at Tony. “We need to talk.” 

Tony raised an eyebrow, “Well make it snappy Cappy, I’ve got work to do.” It was taking everything he had not to flinch back into the room and slam the door in Roger’s face. 

“You are impossible.” Steve took another step forward. Tony held his ground, barely concealing a jerk. 

 

* * *

 

“Agent Romanov, Rogers has cornered Boss.” Nat glanced up from her book at the sound of FRIDAY’s voice.

“Where are they?”

“The B.A.R.F. room. Please hurry.” 

 

* * *

 

Nat slowed from her sprint just as she reached them. She could hear Steve’s raised voice and as she rounded the corner, she saw him staring down at Tony, towering over him.

“This is ridiculous Tony, you’re acting like a child.” 

“Steve. Step. Back.” Natasha’s voice snapped through the corridor.

“Nat, I’m fine, you don’t need…” Tony started. 

“No I don’t, but I’m not going to let him stand over you like that.” She glared until Steve took a step back. 

“Tony, we just want to talk to you,” Steve spoke at a more moderate volume, not wanting to anger Nat.

“Well, I don't want to talk.” Tony ground out.

“Tony, come on.” When he didn’t reply, Steve sighed, “Will you at least move us out of those rooms? What happened to our old rooms?”

“They were turned into training rooms, what’s wrong with the ones you have now?” Tony was starting to fidget, he needed to get away.

“They’re tiny, we don’t even have our own bathrooms.”

“Steve, that’s the standard accommodation at the facility now,” Nat interjected, her arms folded, still glaring slightly.

“Well, since that’s settled, I have things to do, actual work and all that. Good talk.” And with that, Tony pushed past Steve. He made a beeline for the elevator, ignoring Steve calling out after him.

“FRIDAY, straight to the workshop. Thanks baby.” He slumped against the wall, clutching at his chest once the door closed.

By the time he stumbled into the workshop, he was hyperventilating. DUM-E whirred worriedly from his charging bay. “I’m okay, just gimme a sec.” He all but gasped, collapsing beside his desk.

Technically, the B.A.R.F. tech was complete, he’d even finished all the modifications required to tailor it to Barnes’ treatment. That didn’t mean he couldn't find more things to upgrade. Tony lost himself in the tech until he didn’t feel like he was losing his mind anymore. 

 

* * *

 

“Rogers I’ve already told you, stop trying to talk to Tony.” Natasha glared up at Steve.

“We just had some requests, it’s not even about the Avengers or the Accords.” Steve crossed his arms, a stubborn gleam in his eyes. 

“You have no right to request anything anymore.” She wouldn’t give any ground either, two could play this game. “Leave him alone.”

Steve glared a moment longer before letting out a huff and turning his back to storm away. He’d already had this argument with Nat, twice. He returned to their floor and found Sam in the kitchen.

“They’re being impossible.” He bit out as he collapsed into a chair.

Sam raised an eyebrow, “You’ll have to be a little more specific.”

“Tony.” After a beat, Steve added, “and Nat.”

“She still won’t let you talk to Stark?” Sam grabbed the coffee from the machine and walked over to join Steve at the table. 

“I actually managed to run into Tony today. He barely even listened and refused to come and meet with us.” Steve worked his jaw in frustration. 

“Maybe you should just let it be Steve,” Sam said gently. “It’s not all that long. We’ll get through this, the rooms aren’t that big a deal.”

“It's not just about the rooms,” Steve huffed, “it's about Bucky’s treatment, I just don’t trust Tony has his best interests at heart. And he’s still pushing for the Accords too.” 

“I read the Accords, they’re not actually that bad. And they’re still working on them. If we sign, we’ll get a say in that too,” Sam offered thoughtfully. He’d also been talking to Rhodes about it since they’d gotten back and he could see their merit. He still had some reservations, particularly about the registration sections but Stark had been working on those. 

“Sam, we can’t let them control us.” Steve protested loudly.

“Steve, you’re welcome to do what you want, but I think I’m going to sign.” He wanted to talk it over a bit more but he didn’t want to retire. “I hope you do too, but that's up to you. I’m headed to talk to Colonel Rhodes about the Accords in an hour if you wanted to come?” He had a feeling Steve would refuse but he wanted to at least offer.

Steve raised an eyebrow “He’s not going to change my mind, Sam.”

“Are you really willing to retire though? Because those are your only options now Steve. You knew that when you got on the plane in Wakanda.”

Steve grimaced and let out a frustrated sigh. “I’ll think about it.” Maybe they shouldn’t have come back after all. They had been thinking of going off on their own, their only problem had been finding the funding to maintain their equipment and their lack of transport. 

He wasn’t ready to retire but he didn’t think the Accords were the answer either. But at this point, it was one or the other. Sam seemed to think with some work they’d be a suitable option so perhaps he could help change them so they would have more freedom. 

Perhaps that way Tony would see they were trying to meet him in the middle and stop attempting to avoid them all the time and things would go back to the way they were. 

 

* * *

 

Sam had been meeting with Rhodes since they’d returned to the US. At first, it was to apologise. Sam expected to be met with animosity but Rhodes had been very gracious and had told him that there was nothing to forgive, it was an unfortunate accident, no more his fault than it was Vision’s.

They’d formed a friendship of sorts, both having been pilots and bonded over their love of flying. It had eventually turned to the Accords and Sam realised there was a lot more to them than he had initially thought. Sam read up on them properly and read about the changes and updates that had occurred. As they spoke more Sam found he didn’t find them all that restrictive, in fact, they were very similar to the way in which the UN already regulated peace keeping and peace enforcement. It was just more specific to a super human team as opposed to the military. 

Rhodes had a point, 117 countries wanted those Accords signed. The Avengers couldn’t just keep jumping in and interfering as they pleased. There was a fine line between a duty to help because they had the power and respecting sovereign borders of other nations.

In all honesty, what the Avenger’s had been doing was often disruptive and whilst they had good intentions, they often hadn’t considered the effects of their actions and the collateral damage they would cause. He understood Steve’s wariness of authority, especially after SHIELD but Rhodes was right, they couldn’t just ignore the wishes of 117 nations. 

Stark had made sure that as a team they would have veto powers to refuse missions and as individuals, they would not have to participate in missions they did not want to either. However, the Accords council would need to approve any missions before they were conducted. The team would need to show they had considered any collateral damage and the necessity of their involvement. They’d gotten by in the past only because Stark had funded clean up and restoration after they’d gone in and torn the place up. 

Sam knew Lang had decided to retire and was going back to his family soon, but the others hadn’t made a decision yet. Wanda didn’t really have much choice but to sign, Sokovia would not take her back and she had no reason to stay in the US if she didn’t sign. 

He hoped Steve would sign, he didn’t really care either way what the others decided, but he’d gotten into this mess following Steve and he still believed in him, maybe not as a leader but as a friend. He didn’t think Steve would retire but he could be damn stubborn sometimes. Perhaps with the amendments and changes that were being discussed, he might be more open, especially now that Barnes was safe too. 

 

* * *

 

Scott had come to an arrangement with the Accords Council and was to be moved to San Francisco the next week. He would spend almost two years under house arrest but he’d be with his daughter again. He’d had enough of the rest of ‘Team Cap’. Sam was the only other person who’d been productive, learning about the accords and the new set up of the Avengers. Probably with the intention to sign. Scott knew Sam had been meeting with the Accords Council, they’d bumped into each other a few times at their offices.

“This is bullshit.” Barton was grumbling, arguing with Wilson, as Scott walked into the common room. He sighed a little, tuning out Barton’s continued complaining as he made himself coffee. He knew his family had only spoken to him once since he’d come back. From what he understood, Laura didn’t want to talk to him unless he decided to retire.

Sitting down, he took a couple of the pancakes from the tower on the table. They ate most of their meals at the mess but occasionally someone would try cooking something. Whoever had made the pancakes had done a decent job. The rest of the team was sitting at the table with the exception of Rogers, who was probably at the gym. 

“Morning Barnes,” he mumbled through a mouthful of pancake to the man beside him.

“Mornin’ Lang,” the assassin responded softly, “you goin’ home soon?” 

“Yeah, I can’t wait to see Cassie,” he flashed a grin.

“She’s your kid right?” Barnes’ eyebrows furrowed a little. 

“Yeah, I miss her,” Scott said between bites. 

Barnes was smiled at him. “I’m sure she misses you too.”

At this point, Barton had started yelling and Barnes’ smile quickly turn into a grimace, rolling his eyes at the archer on the other side of the table.

“What, you gonna tell me you’re happy imprisoned here huh?” Barton shot at him. 

“Happier than I would be in an actual prison.” Barnes glared back. 

“We wouldn’t have even needed these pardons if it wasn’t for Stark and his Accords,” Barton argued.

“You forget my charges had nothin’ to do with the Accords, and Stark wasn’t the one who dreamt ’em up.” Barnes pointed out exasperatedly and rolled his eyes again. 

“I might not be his biggest fan but if it wasn’t for him, we’d be back in the Raft. We made our decisions Barton, now we’re dealing with the consequences.” Wilson added, swallowing his mouthful. 

“Well you’re all about the Accords now aren’t you, Wilson?” Barton shot. “You gonna move into Stark’s penthouse now? Would make it easier for you to suck his dick.”

It seemed Barton must have just found out Wilson was planning to sign. Barnes’ obviously hadn’t known either, his eyebrow raised in surprise. “Does that mean Steve is gonna sign too?”

“Of course he’s not.” Maximoff scoffed, finally chiming in. 

“He said he’d consider it, and I don’t think he’s about to retire,” Sam said at the same time, shrugging when she glared at him. “Well, what else is he going to do? What are you going to do? You know they’ll send you back to Sokovia if you don’t sign. And they will put you in jail.” 

Scott tuned out again as the others continued arguing. He couldn’t wait to go home. He wished he’d never left, but who was going to say no to Captain America? Sighing a little he shook the thought from his mind, he could make his own informed decisions, he’d chosen not to look past the surface and that was on him. Anything past that was his own fault. 

He finished off his pancakes and went to clean his dishes. Barnes had slipped out at some point and left the common room. Scott knew Rogers was due to come back from the gym soon and if he didn’t know any better, he would have thought Barnes was avoiding his old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much Tony this time around, promise there's more in the next chapter though!


	5. Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the disappearance, I've been on leave and spent it camping out at Mount Arapiles so I haven't been able to update. But here's a new chapter and I'll try and get an extra one in this week to make up for it.

“Sergeant Barnes, Boss wishes to see you in training room 2C if you are ready to commence treatment.” FRIDAY’s voice interrupted Bucky’s reading. 

He’d been talking to her, asking her questions about the 21st century. She’d been quite helpful and had also downloaded some books onto the device that had been left in his room on the first day. She had helped him work out how to use it and he’d picked it up fairly quickly.

Stark had left him a package a couple days ago with the information on the B.A.R.F. technology and how it was going to be implemented for his treatment. FRIDAY had been helping him understand how it worked and had also called Princess Shuri for reassurance. She had been fundamental in the recalibration of Stark’s tech and had been able to explain it a little more as well.

Taking a deep breath, he stood, putting his book down on the couch. “Let him know I’m on my way.” 

Bucky followed FRIDAY’s directions in a bit of a daze. Without realising it, he’d made it all the way to the training room. He stood in the doorway hesitating slightly. Stark was inside fiddling with some device in his hands. He raised his hand to knock on the wall so he wouldn’t startle the man inside, before he could actually knock Stark looked up and Bucky froze hand half raised. “Uh hi?” He tried tentatively.

Stark blinked a couple times, took a small shuddering breath and his hands clenched slightly at the device, which Bucky could not identify as the B.A.R.F headset. If he hadn’t been trained to notice every small detail he would have missed it, but Stark seemed just as nervous as he was. 

“Well, come on in then Barnes.” Stark gestured for him to come and sit on one of the beanbags against the back wall, lowering himself into an almost neon purple one at the same time. 

He crossed the room slowly and carefully sat in a red bean bag about a metre away from Stark. Once he’d settled into the bag, he noticed Stark relax further into his own. Bucky realised not only was it difficult to take anything too seriously whilst they were slouched into beanbags, but it would also make it very difficult for either of them to get up quickly. 

This made part of Bucky anxious. He knew Stark didn’t need to get up to call his suit, the watch on his wrist could quickly become a semi-formed gauntlet. He was a little limited with only one arm as well. However, their positions would make it difficult for either of them to move without giving the other enough time to respond.

Bucky knew if Stark tried to attack him again, he wouldn’t fight back, he deserved whatever punishment Stark wanted to dish out. But he also knew that Stark probably wouldn’t attack, unless he felt threatened. Even in the bunker, he’d been acting in the heat of the moment. And honestly who was Bucky to blame him. 

“So, I wanted to apologise.” Stark spoke, breaking the not entirely awkward silence. They made eye contact before Stark tore his gaze away to glance nervously around the room. “I’m sorry about the whole,” his hands twitched in an aborted gesture, “Siberia, thing. I shouldn’t have overreacted like that. I watched it again when I got back, found the tape and FRIDAY has recordings of all the audio and visual input of the suits, kinda like a black box on a plane. If you know what that is? And I found the security footage from the bunker.” His gaze flicked back to Bucky, who hadn’t said anything so far.

“I’m not angry at you anymore, I’m angry at HYDRA. I should have always been angry at HYDRA, not you. I don’t blame you. So I’m sorry, for blasting you and about your arm and all that…” Stark finished, watching Bucky nervously.

Bucky didn’t know how to respond, he hadn’t anticipated an apology, he certainly hadn’t expected one from Stark. If anything he should be the one apologising. 

Stark rubbed his chest anxiously, still watching Bucky, waiting for a response.

“I… I’m sorry too.” Bucky cleared his throat, he focused his gaze on Stark’s chest, avoiding eye contact. “About your parents, also the whole Siberia thing.” He repeated Stark’s earlier phrasing. “Didn’t realise you couldn’t get out, but we shouldn't've left you there either way.”

“Wasn’t your fault.” Stark shrugged slightly. “But I appreciate it anyway.”

There was a short silence before Stark broke it once again. “Well with all the touchy feely stuff out of the way, shall we get this started?”

Bucky tensed up slightly but nodded. 

“Fri said you’ve read through the pack, any questions for me?” Stark continued on when Bucky shook his head letting his hair fall further across his face. “No? Okay good. Well, let’s get it all set up then. We’ll put a screen across and partition off this section,” Stark gestured to the colourful collection of beanbags and cushions they were currently seated on. “I’m going to get up and do that now,” Stark announced before he slowly pushed himself upright. Bucky took that as his cue to get up too and he stood awkwardly, hovering next to the bean bag he’d just vacated. 

Stark pushed a button on the wall and a transparent screen lowered from the ceiling. “You won’t be able to see through it once the projection starts,” Stark explained. The screen separated not only the back wall but also one of the side walls leaving a path to the door. 

Once the screen was in place, Stark turned back to Bucky and held out the headset. “Friday will guide you through the process. I can stay in the room behind the screen or I can leave the room and Friday will monitor you, I will still need to review the recordings though. Up to you.” When Bucky didn’t answer he added, “I can get Rogers to watch from behind the screen instead, if that would make you more comfortable?”

As much as Bucky didn’t fully trust Stark, he didn’t think he was actively trying to hurt him either. He didn’t want to go through it alone but he didn’t want Steve to see what he was about to relive either. Besides, Bucky could see how much Stark didn’t want to go find Steve. Stark couldn’t possibly think any less of him and he was going to see everything anyway. What did he have to lose? Maybe this was a way for Bucky to atone, Stark said he didn’t blame him but he still killed Howard and Maria. “Stay. Please?” It came out slightly strangled and sounding a little closer to begging than Bucky would have liked. He kept his eyes trained on Stark’s feet in an attempt to hide the slight desperation he was sure was bleeding into his eyes.

Stark seemed a little taken aback, he had obviously expected Bucky to kick him out of the room. “Uh, yeah sure. Um, of course. Like I said, up to you.” Looking a little lost his hands twitched in another half gesture. “Well, I’ll just be over here then.” He moved back over to the beanbags but didn’t sit until Bucky had moved through the gap in the screen. 

Bucky put the headset on and adjusted it until it was comfortable. Once it was in place, he turned it on. “Hello Sergeant Barnes, are you ready to begin?” Bucky almost jumped at FRIDAY’s voice, but frequent interaction with her over the last couple weeks had acclimated him to her voice interjecting seemingly from nowhere. 

“As ready as I’ll ever be Miss Friday,” Bucky replied. 

 

* * *

After the sixth run of the projection, Barnes collapsed and Tony froze. Did he go over to him? Would Barnes want him to? Would that even help? However, when Barnes’ breathing started quickening and his heart rate jumped, Tony couldn’t just sit there. He grabbed a blanket and slipped through the gap in the screens and moved towards Barnes who had curled up, knees pulled to his chest, head buried down into his knees, right arm curled around them.

Tony stopped a couple metres short and crouched down as if he was dealing with a wild animal. Even with one arm, if he spooked, Barnes could still lash out and Tony didn’t really want to get hit by a super soldier without his suit.“Barnes, I’m going to come a little closer. Is that okay.” 

At the small nod and almost inaudible whine, Tony shuffled closer. “I’ve got a blanket for you. I’m going to put it around you okay?” Another nod. Carefully, he laid the blanket over Barnes’ shoulders and wrapped him around loosely. He didn’t want him to feel restricted or like he couldn't escape.

Tony sat down, his back against the other man’s and started taking slow deep breaths. “Breathe with me soldier. In. Out. That’s it.” Eventually, Barnes’ regained control of his breathing and his heart rate returned to normal but Tony stayed there, breathing with him until he started to pull away. 

“I think that's enough for today,” Tony said gently.

“I’m fine. I can go again.” Barnes’ voice was a little rough and shaky.

Tony shook his head. “It won’t be productive to continue right now. We can come back to it tomorrow. I have enough to calibrate the program now anyway and I need to do that before we continue anyway.” Tony stood up and moved towards the door. “Get some rest soldier. We’ll continue tomorrow.”

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky spent a couple hours in the B.A.R.F room each day. He would meet Stark in the room, who would always ask if Bucky wanted him to stay, Bucky would nod and Stark would take his place on a bean bag.

He’d go through simulation after simulation until Stark, who was monitoring him through the headset, decided that any more would be detrimental. Stark would raise the screens and help him over to a bean bag, offering him a bottle of water. Every few sessions, Stark would let Bucky know he thought they could move onto the next trigger word. Shuri had explained to Bucky that the headset would provide his heart rate, breathing, and various readings from his brain to Stark’s tablet. Using this data, the two of them had developed a program which would hypothetically, be able to determine when a trigger word would stop being effective and added it to FRIDAY’s code. Of course, they wouldn’t know for sure until they’d gone through them all and tested all the triggers but both Stark and Shuri had been fairly confident it would be successful.

When Bucky had panic attacks, that’s what Stark had said they were, Stark would come over with a blanket and breathe with him until he’d calmed down. After the first few occurrences, Bucky stopped trying to convince Stark to let him continue the simulations after.

Stark never pushed Bucky to talk about any of it and would just sit there and breathe with him, looking through the data on his tablet whilst Bucky reoriented himself. Stark would talk him through the worst of it and even after his breathing had settled, he would continue to talk, babbling about a project he was working on or something that had happened that day, giving Bucky something to focus on.

As the sessions continued, they became more comfortable with each other. Stark’s hands twitched less and his babbling seemed less nervous.

“I can fix that if you want?” Star spoke suddenly. It had been a fairly good session, they’d had worked through another trigger word and finished up a little early.

“Um, sorry?” Bucky tilted his head slightly, confused.

“Your shoulder? It’s bothering you isn’t it?” Stark glanced at Bucky out the corner of his eye, still tapping away at the tablet, confirming the program’s determination.

“Uh…” Bucky was obviously fairly hesitant. 

“If you don’t want me to that's fine, I can fly you to Wakanda if you want the Princess to fix it up for you. You should probably get it checked though. I mean, have you had it checked since you got here? Sorry, that's probably my fault, forgot. My fault you don’t have your arm as well.” Stark rambled slightly before Bucky cut him off.

“No it’s fine, um, I’m sure you have more important things to work on though. It’s not that bad.” Bucky frowned, he didn’t want to make even more work for Stark.

“It won't take too long if we address it now.” Stark looked up now, focusing fully on Bucky. He seemed to hesitate before taking a breath, “I was actually designing a new arm for you anyway and I need to have a look at your shoulder to see how to connect it so you’d be doing me a favour really. You don’t have to, of course, you don’t have to take the arm either if you don’t want it. Your choice really.” He was babbling again. “I’ve pretty much finished the designs already, so don’t say no on account of making work for me…

It took Bucky a moment to process that yes, he’d heard correctly, Stark was offering him a new arm. He reached out with his flesh arm and placed it gently on Stark’s shoulder, effectively cutting off his rambling. Stark jumped a little then sat perfectly still, eyes wide. “

They’d sat back to back after Bucky’s panic attacks but Stark had always initiated that. Bucky realised this was the first time he’d initiated contact between them and the first time it hadn’t been during a panic attack.

“Thank you, Stark. Really, I’d love that.” Bucky offered him a small smile and Stark relaxed under his hand, grinning back. 

“Come on then Barnes, I’ll show you my workshop.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also went to see endgame over the weekend and holy shit. No spoilers but it wrecked me. If you've seen the movie go check out my winteriron one-shot addressing the ending. It's not a fix it so yeah don't expect that. That's all I'll say cuz I know a lot of people haven't watched the movie yet. But damn, its been 48 hours now and I'm still processing.


	6. Workshop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wrote half this chapter in the middle of flu fevers and whilst I’ve since reread and edited it, I’m also still quite sick so I’ll probably need to review this once I’m better. My body has just given up on me, I have 3 different viral infections and a bacterial infection. The doctor said I should spend 7 days resting in bed and I was like, look that's not really an option so yay. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you all enjoy!

Tony gestured proudly as they entered the workshop, “Welcome to my humble abode.” He led Barnes over to the desk and pulled up the schematics of the arm. “Its just a rough outline at the moment and I need to figure out we would attach it but let me know if there’s anything you want.”

Barnes was a little wide eyed as he glanced over the diagrams projected in front of him. “You know I don’t really understand any of this, gonna be honest, it kinda just looks like an arm to me.” Barnes shrugged apologetically.

Tony animatedly explained the functions and features of the arm. "You should have more tactile sensation than your old arm, I've put a damper on the level of pain you can feel though. It’s marginally lighter than your old arm but slightly stronger than it too. I can put synthetic skin on the outside if you want but that won't hold up in battle so we'd probably have to replace it all the time or I could build two arms." 

"I think one is plenty. I don’t mind the metal.” Barnes seemed a little overwhelmed so Tony slowed down a little. 

"So I need to have a look are your shoulder, can you remove your shirt and the silicon cap." Tony shoved his hands in his pockets to stop himself from reaching out towards Barnes and spooking him. 

'Damn super solider serum had done well with Barnes,' Tony thought appreciatively. He hadn't noticed since Barnes actually owned shirts that fit him, but he was just as well built as Rogers and probably more toned. It was times like these Tony was glad his mind ran at a thousand miles an hour. By the time Barnes had folded up his shirt beside him and turned back to face Tony, he'd shaken the distraction from his mind and was focusing on Barnes' shoulder.

Taking a quick scan of the joint, Tony projected a holographic model between the two of them. "Friday expand 200% and give me an exploded view.” 

Tony rotated the projection inspecting it carefully. “Remove the metal plating and mechanical components. Isolate the structural skeleton and neural wiring and highlight attachment points. Take that and save it to the file." He'd have a look at that later and figure out how he'd attach the new arm. 

"Remove the structural components and leave me the wiring." He took another minute to inspect what was left before turning back to Barnes. "Seems like some of the wires are moving and contacting, sending faulty feedback to your brain. I can seal them off properly for now until we attach the new arm if you'd like?" He offered, moving back over to the desk, leaning against it casually.

"Uh yeah, right now?" Barnes seemed a little surprised, perhaps unprepared.

Tony nodded in affirmation. "Whenever you're ready, I could do it now if you'd like though."

Barnes hesitated for a moment before nodding his head cautiously. "Let's do it now. If that’s okay with you?" 

Tony pulled out a set of precision tools and got to work quickly. 

An hour later, he was replacing the silicon cap. "Let me know if you anything moves again or if you have any other issues." Barnes seemed more relaxed already, the tension in his shoulders and neck visibly gone. He would bet that Barnes had been in a fair amount of pain but just hadn't told anyone. 

"Thanks Stark." Barnes was rolling his shoulder, an expression of contained relief on his face.

"Tony, you've just spent the last hour half naked in my lab, I think that warrants first name privileges.” Tony winked. 

"Thanks Tony." Barnes gave him a small smile. “Guess you should call me Bucky then, 

 

* * *

 

Bucky spent a little longer in the workshop whilst Tony worked on the design of the arm. It was relaxing in a way, letting Tony’s voice roll over him. Tony would occasionally ask Bucky questions about what he wanted or didn’t want on his arm or chat with the robots that rolled around the workshop. 

At one point, one of them had rolled over towards Bucky, it’s claw reaching for him as he shuffled further along the couch. 

“Dummy, leave Bucky alone, can’t you see you’re making him uncomfortable.” The robot whirred sadly and its claw drooped downwards. “Get back over here Dummy.” It was definitely moving slower than before and Bucky would have sworn that it seemed upset. 

“Come on, stop sulking and go help your brother, go on!”

The more Bucky watched them, the more they seemed alive. Tony treated them like they were people and they seemed to display emotion they acted like pets, big metal pets which whirred and beeped instead of barking or purring. 

“Well, they think and feel in a way.” Tony explained when Bucky brought it up. “They have a similar base code to FRIDAY, just not as advanced. I guess they are like overgrown metal dogs.” Patting the one labelled ‘U’ fondly. 

 

* * *

 

Bucky had somehow wound up playing fetch with the one named DUM-E, not Dummy as Tony had explained. He had dropped the screwdriver he was fiddling with and the bot had picked it up, returned it and then whirred happily waving it’s claw around until Tony pointed out “He wants you to throw it. Mind you if you start playing fetch with him, he’s going to expect it all the time. Blame Harley, the damn kid thought it would be funny to teach DUM-E how to fetch.”

Tony glanced away from his work for a second to glance at the two of them, Bucky still on the couch, DUM-E at one end, still waving. “He doesn’t want to play fetch with you DUM-E, leave him alone, you’re being a nuisance, I’ll donate you to a city college.” The bot just ignored Tony in favour of the screwdriver Bucky was waving in front of him. 

Tony had rolled his eyes and turned back to his work when Bucky tossed the screwdriver and grinned as DUM-E chased after it. And that was how Romanov found them half an hour later. If she was surprised to see Bucky there she didn’t show it.

“Tony, its movie night tonight remember?” Her voice was gentle in a way Bucky would have never expected from an assassin. Sure, the girls in the Red Room had been trained in emotional manipulation but this was more, there was an openness and a hint of vulnerability that couldn't be faked. 

“It isn’t movie night for another half hour, the deal was you wouldn’t disturb me until movie time.” Tony continued to work not looking up at all.

“You need to have a shower Tony, I’m not sitting in your stench for 2 hours.” Her tone was a little firmer but still friendly and open. 

“Fine, I’m going.” Tony sighed, “FRIDAY shut these all down for the night. Kids, don’t touch the toys while Daddy is away.” 

“Sorry, looks like we’re being booted out. You’re welcome to come down whenever I’m in though.” Tony finished putting away the more delicate items he was working on and wiped his hands on a scrap of cloth before following Bucky out the door. 

“Thanks Tony. Guess I’ll head back to my room now.” Bucky pulled his lips into a semblance of a smile, he didn’t really want to go back. Steve was probably already having an aneurysm, he was usually waiting for Bucky when he finished his BARF sessions. He’d just spent almost two hours in Tony’s workshop and Steve was likely getting ready to break into the workshop.

“You could come watch the movie with us.” Tony offered tentatively

Bucky couldn't quite tell if Tony’s offer was sincere or just out of pity, either way, catching Romanov’s suspicious glare, he shook his head, “That’s alright, thanks Tony. If I don’t find Steve soon, he might tear the city apart looking for me again.”

“Maybe next time though.” Bucky added seeing the disappointed frown on Tony’s face. He gave a small awkward wave as he headed to the elevator.

 

* * *

 

When Bucky got back to his room, it only took a few seconds before Steve burst out of the common room, standing in his doorway before he could shut the door.

“Where have you been?” Steve’s brow was furrowed and Bucky couldn’t quite tell if it was out of worry, frustration or disappointment. Maybe a combination of all three. 

“I was just getting some work done on my shoulder.” Hoping the answer would satisfy Steve, Bucky turned to his book base, picking up the book he’d set down the night before.

Turning around to sit back on his bed, he noticed Steve was still at the door, eyes narrowed suspiciously. “What, Steve? It was bothering me, Tony noticed and offered to help fix it up for me.”

If Steve was still mistrustful, at least he was better at keeping it to himself. Either he’d decided that Tony was actually helping Bucky or he’d realised that vocally doubting Tony was not doing him any favours in Bucky’s books.

“You were gone all afternoon Buck, I just never see you anymore.” Steve’s frown softened a little and there was some desperation in his eyes.

Bucky grimaced a little, in all honesty, he had been avoiding Steve. “I had a BARF session before that,” was all he offered in explanation. 

“I’m really tired Steve, I just need some time to myself.” Bucky let some of the exhaustion filter into is voice hoping that would be enough to get Steve to leave him alone. 

“Alright, dinner will be ready in a bit, Sam is cooking tonight.” Steve hesitated for a moment before leaving the room, shutting the door reluctantly.

Bucky slumped back against his pillows with a groan. He loved Steve, didn’t matter that he was bigger now, he’d always be Bucky’s little brother in all but blood.

Steve, who had changed but couldn’t accept that Bucky had too. Who kept doubting Tony despite all the things Tony had done for them. Who wouldn’t leave Bucky alone. Bucky sighed, he loved the punk but Steve was getting on his nerves and it was only a matter of time before something snapped. 

Bucky started spending more and more time in the workshop. It turned out the rest of Team Cap didn’t have access to this floor and without walking down the fire exit and breaking in, they had no way of accessing the workshop.

Whilst Steve was almost always lying in wait for him when he returned to their floor, when he was in the workshop, he only had to worry about Romanov’s and Rhodes’ glares. 

The second time Romanov had caught him in the workshop, she’d whispered in his ear under the cover of Tony’s music, “If you hurt Tony, I will destroy you. Hurting you would probably upset him, but step even just an inch out of line and I will obliterate you.” 

Bucky had looked her in the eye and seen exactly how serious she was before jerking his head in a nod and averting his gaze. He didn’t want to hurt Tony, but with his track record, Romanov’s concern was not out of place.

Still, Bucky decided he would continue visiting the workshop until he was no longer welcome. Romanov and Rhodes could glare all they wanted, but until Tony himself expressed that he didn’t want Bucky there, he would keep visiting.

It was nice to have no expectations. He didn’t need to be the charming suave Bucky who had been destroyed by HYDRA, he could be quiet and moody and Tony didn’t judge. Didn’t try and force him to be happy, or someone he wasn’t.

On the bad days, Bucky would sit on the couch with his notebook and Tony would talk to himself and the bots, but gave him space.

On the good days, Bucky would ask Tony about his work. HYDRA hadn’t taken away all his curiosity and love for science. Tony was enthusiastic and answered all of Bucky’s questions and never seemed annoyed or frustrated when he didn’t understand. 

At first, Bucky had just been curious about what Tony was doing. The blue projections lighting up the workshop looked extremely complex but Tony seemed to have no issues in pinpointing specific sections and manipulating them. But Tony’s energy was infectious, he seemed to light up and glow when he was talking. Soon he gained an actual interest in the tech.

He’d been pretty good at maths and physics before, had to have been to be a decent sniper in the war. The newer tech did most of the thinking for the shooter but the weapons he had used when he was fighting with the Howling Commandos had required him to do all the math work in his head. Maybe once the triggers had been removed, he would go back to school. His new psychologist had said he needed to look to the future, find things he was interested in and live, not just be alive.

 

* * *

 

Technically, Tony didn’t need Bucky in the workshop while he worked on his arm. He’d taken all the scans he’d needed when he was working on Bucky’s shoulder. But Tony found he didn’t mind the company. In the past, he’d preferred to work alone, music blaring through the speakers, JARVIS had been all the company he’d needed. But after New York, he’d gotten used to having Bruce around. Then Ultron happened and he had disappeared, but Tony still had the rest of the Avengers. They’d milled around the Tower and then the facility after that. Then the Civil War had torn his second family away from him. Siberia had left him with a hole in his chest, bigger than the arc reactor had ever been. 

Somehow, Bucky had managed to fill part of the hole in his chest. The workshop was just a little warmer when he was sitting cross legged on the couch, playing fetch with DUM-E or writing in his notebook. Sometimes he would ask about Tony’s work and he would actually listen when Tony was talking tech. Tony was all too familiar with the uninterested stares and distracted hums he was usually received with. But Bucky would listen, eyes wide like a kid at a fair and ask questions about what Tony was saying, asking for further explanations and clarification. Bucky wasn’t annoyed by Tony’s rambling and his enthusiasm didn’t seem to scare Bucky away. 

Tony basked in Bucky’s interest, sure Bruce and Rhodey listened to him, but that was different. They already understood things. There was something different about teaching Bucky that warmed him. 

Tony knew it was only a matter of time before Steve cornered Tony or convinced Bucky not to spend time in the workshop. He also knew it was highly likely that Bucky would get bored doing nothing in the workshop and get sick of his babbling. But he’d enjoy it while it lasted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got caught skipping class during a lockdown drill and spent the whole weekend with extra duties yay. I was actually studying for another subject because I had a 15% test on right after but staff don’t care so got my leave taken away for the weekend. Ah well, at least I got a bit of writing in. I’ve also discovered that polishing things is very satisfying and a decent task to destress.
> 
> Also, I'm going to see Endgame again tonight and the Far From Home Trailer came out this morning and holy shit its too soon and the start fucking broke my heart.


	7. Muffins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I went to see Endgame again last week and honestly I think I cried even more than the first time because I knew what was going to happen.  
> Thanks for all the comments, especially everyone who wished me well. I’m feeling a lot better now!  
> Sorry it's a bit late but I wasn't happy with where it finished on Monday, anyways here’s chapter 7.

Bucky was in the kitchen baking muffins. He’d managed not to mess them up so far but had somehow covered half the kitchen in flour and cocoa powder. There were streaks of white all over his clothes and a smudge of brown on his cheek.

“Set a timer for 25 minutes please Miss FRIDAY.” A small blue timer appeared, projected on the backsplash, counting down from 25 as Bucky had requested. 

Bucky finished washing his hands and attempted to wipe off as much of the flour with the tea towel. He grabbed the e-reader Tony had given him and settled down on the couch to wait. 

It had only been a few minutes when FRIDAY interrupted with a frantic “Sergeant Barnes!” Bucky looked up in confusion, he couldn’t smell any burning.

“Rogers is on his way up from the gym. It seems he cut his work out short today.” A scowl was evident in her voice.

Glancing at the timer, Bucky swore under his breath, there was still another 15 minutes left. There was no way they’d be ready now and if he left them to hide from Steve, they’d burn. He’d used the last of the blueberries so there was no redoing them. Bucky slumped back down on the couch with a sigh and reopened his book, resigning himself to dealing with Steve.

Not a minute later, the elevator dinger and he heard Steve’s even strut move towards the common room. “Mmmmm, something smells good in here.” Steve leant against the door frame and Bucky glanced up just in time to catch Steve wiping the surprised look off his face. His widened eyes and furrowed eyebrows melted into a small grin. “Bucky!”

“Hey Steve.” Bucky grunted before turning back to his book. Not that he was really reading it anymore. He’d lost focus when Friday had told him Steve was on his way up. 

“This your cookin’ Buck?” Steve moved in from the doorway, seating himself on the couch opposite Bucky.

He nodded jerkily, not looking up from his book, attempting to send ‘Leave Me Alone’ vibes. 

“Didn’t know you knew how to cook.” Steve either didn’t get the hint or didn’t care.

Bucky shrugged. He was learning how to be a person again and his new psychologist had said he should find a hobby. He had wanted something methodical, but creative and FRIDAY had suggested baking. So far it had gone fairly well. It seemed he couldn’t avoid covering himself and the kitchen in powder, but that was half the fun and the end products hadn’t been too bad. Sure, Sam didn’t have anything good to say, but he had eaten half the cookies before Bucky had taken them down to the workshop, so it must have at least been half decent. 

Bucky could still feel Steve’s expectant stare crawling over his skin. “Stop starin’ at me Steve. You’re givin’ me the heebie-jeebies.” Bucky scowled into his book, only finally looking up when Steve let out an exasperated sigh. 

“Come on Buck, you gotta try. You’re always hiding away somewhere and even when you’re out here, you’re always so… moody.” 

“I am tryin’ Steve. This is my journey, not yours, so I’m allowed to take it at my own pace.” Bucky pulled out one of his psychologist’s favourite lines. 

Steve looked a little sheepish at that and dipped his head a little apologetically. He knew Steve meant well, in his own stubborn, one track minded way. Feeling a little sorry for Steve, Bucky closed his book, holding it in his lap. “Some days are better than others, and I’m doing more stuff now, learning how to be a normal person again. Like the cooking. My psych says I gotta get some hobbies other than sitting around and brooding.” Bucky smiled a little to let Steve know it was a joke. 

Smiling back, Steve offered, “I could help, I mean Brooklyn has changed but I could show you all the things we used to do?” 

Bucky groaned internally, “Stevie, I ain’t that guy anymore. You gotta let me figure out who I am now.” 

“But I know if we just tried, you’d remember again.” Steve looked up at him hopefully. 

Running his flesh hand over his face, Bucky breathed in deeply before exhaling in a huff. “Steve, I do remember. Some of it’s still foggy, but Tony’s tech hasn’t just been helping me remove the triggers, my psychologist has been using it to help with my therapy as well.” Bucky glared a little when Steve opened his mouth to interrupt. “No, listen to me Steve. I remember. But that ain’t me anymore. Even if I wasn’t brainwashed and tortured, the war changed me. It changed us. You ain’t the same Stevie I knew either.” Bucky smiled a little sadly. “The skinny little Stevie and the charming Bucky got left behind when we went to war. I love you Stevie, I really do. Nothing ain’t ever gonna change that. But you gotta let go Steve, ‘cause all its doing is hurtin’ you.” 

“Damn Buck, when did you get so wise.” Steve was smiling but there were tears in his eyes. 

Bucky shrugged, “They ain’t my words, most of ‘em are from my psych.” Bucky paused, hesitating slightly, Steve had never shown any negative reaction to the fact that Bucky had been regularly seeing psychologists, so he took a deep breath and continued. “Maybe you should go see a psych, or even just a therapist. Might do you some good.”

“Yeah, maybe I should.” Steve was frowning but it seemed more contemplative than upset.

“Sergeant Barnes, the muffins are ready.” FRIDAY’s lilting voice drifted in.

“Well, I’m gonna go get those.” Bucky scrambled off the couch almost awkwardly. He pulled the tray out and tested them, the skewer pulling out clean. He pulled out two cooling racks, placed half onto each and picked one up. “Feel free to have some of the muffins, you better be quick though, or Sam will eat ‘em all. I’m gonna take these down to Tony while they’re still warm.” 

“No one except Potts, Rhodes and Nat are allowed in the workshop.” Steve stood, frowning at the muffins in Bucky’s hands.

“And me, apparently.” Bucky shrugged, still moving towards the door.

Steve moved to block his path, “That’s where you’ve been, isn’t it. You don’t have to let Tony bully you down there.” 

“Who said he was bullying me. Maybe I wanna be down there.” Steve scoffed at this. “Maybe I like it down there Steve.” Bucky stood his ground, still clutching the tray of muffins.

“I know you feel indebted to him but you don’t owe him anything Buck.” Steve crossed his arms, frowning at Bucky.

“Steve, are you even listening to me? I’m telling you, I like it down there, I want to be there. Yeah, Tony invited me, but I’m the one who said yes.” Bucky glared at the muffins, holding back the childish urge to throw them at Steve.

“But why? I don’t get it Buck, why would you want to?”

“‘Cause I’m comfortable down there. ‘Cause there are no expectations. I can be broody and silent, or play fetch with the bots, or chat to Tony or FRIDAY and no one wants me to be someone I’m not.” And maybe because he liked Tony’s company, but he’d keep that one to himself unless he wanted Steve to have a fit.

“Steve, just let me go.” His exhaustion must have shown through because Steve’s scowl faltered a little. Taking the opportunity, Bucky darted around Steve and into the corridor, striding quickly down the hall.

“Miss FRIDAY, take me down to the workshop please.” Bucky requested as he watched the door slide shut between him and Steve. 

 

* * *

 

Steve spent the rest of the afternoon in the common room thinking. He had to admit, Bucky’s baking was pretty good. The muffins were light and fluffy and Steve ate half the tray before eyeing the rest longingly and leaving them on the bench.

Bucky was right, he had changed, he’d changed the moment he’d stepped out of that vita-ray chamber. Then he’d seen war and that had changed him again, and then he’d gone into the ice. After hearing it out loud, it was really hypocritical of him to assume Bucky hadn’t changed and to pressure him into Steve’s idea of Bucky. He’d be a better friend, he promised to himself. 

Still, he didn’t like Bucky spending all that time in the workshop. Tony still wasn’t talking to him or the rest of the Team. How could he trust that he wasn’t coercing Bucky or manipulating him? Sure, Bucky had said that it was his choice, but Tony could be deceptive with his words and Bucky was still particularly vulnerable. 

He had to speak to Tony. 

 

* * *

 

Of course, it was just his luck, the one time the kid convinced him to get ice cream in the communal mess, Rogers was there too. 

“Tony, I need to talk to you.” The super soldier jogged up to them.

“Nope, I’m busy, sorry Rogers.” Tony turned around one arm around Peter’s shoulders ushering him away also.

It was never that easy though, Steve started following them, walking beside Tony as if he could just fall back into place at his side. “Just a couple minutes. Tony, you can’t keep avoiding me forever.”

‘I sure can try,’ Tony thought to himself as he stopped and turned to face Rogers, his body angled as if trying to shield Peter. It was irrational he knew, Rogers didn’t even have his shield with him and Peter was strong enough to take a hit with less damage thank himself. Regardless, even as stubborn as he was, Tony didn’t think he was stupid enough to attack them in the middle of the mess. “Fine, make it quick.”

“Mr Stark?” Peter was unsure what to do and he could feel his mentor panicking. He went to move out from behind Tony but when Tony’s breathing quickened, he decided to let Tony ‘hide’ him for now.

“Queens?” Rogers frowned, “He’s just a kid? Really Tony? We recruiting children now?”

Tony raised an eyebrow at him. “You knew in Leipzig and didn’t seem to care so much when you dropped an aerobridge on him so don’t start now.” 

The frown deepened but he didn’t push the point. “That’s not what I need to talk to you about. What are you doing with Bucky? He doesn’t owe you anything and I don’t care if you think he does. You have to stop it.” 

“What are you on about now? I literally have no idea what you’re talking about.” Tony shoved his one hand in his pocket to stop the shaking. Peter’s hand on his other wrist kept him grounded.

“Don’t play dumb with me. Bucky spends all his time hiding in your workshop. I don’t know what you’re doing but you have to stop.” Rogers stepped up to Tony, puffing up slightly in his posturing.

Letting out a bark of a laugh, Tony held his ground, drawing strength from the grip on his wrist. “I’m not doing anything. If Bucky is spending his time down in the workshop, then that's because he wants to be there.” Tony clenched his jaw, “Look, I can’t make you believe me, but it’s the truth. Maybe you need to have a chat to Bucky.”

Roger’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “You don’t let anyone into the workshop, and you hate Bucky.”

Tony rolled his eyes behind his tinted glasses. “I don’t hate him, and I do let people into the workshop. Just not you.” 

“I don’t know what your angle is here, but Bucky doesn’t deserve that.” Rogers glared accusingly. 

And that was what it came down to. There was no trust. Yeah sure when the world was ending they could work together, but when everything died down, it was always Tony’s fault. Rogers always assumed the worst of Tony. 

Ultron, the Civil War, yeah sure, Tony had played a part, but he wasn’t the only one at fault. No one seemed to remember, Bruce had worked on Ultron just as much as he had, everyone seemed to ignore everything Wanda had done and accepted her onto the team, no questions asked.

Bruce had disappeared and the blame all fell on Tony. They all moved on, but the little jabs, suspicious glances, they continued. 

Everyone else could be forgiven, but not Tony. Wanda and Pietro were just misguided in their crusade against Tony. No matter the damage they’d caused. T’Challa could be forgiven for going after Bucky in his grief. But Tony, no, Rogers could never see the good in him. Rogers seemed ready to give everyone a second chance, but not Tony. 

“Look Rogers, if Bucky doesn’t want to be in the workshop, he doesn’t have to be there. No one is going up to his room and dragging him down there. But I’m not locking him out of one of the few places he’s comfortable.” Tony raised an eyebrow and threw his words back at him, “he doesn’t deserve that.”

Tony turned to walk away, done with the conversation. He was at his limit and thank god for the kid who’d been surprisingly perceptive and stayed behind him. What he’d overlooked in his eagerness to leave was what might happen when he turned his back on Rogers.

A strong hand clamped on his shoulder and he jerked, spinning around and stumbling backwards his hand outstretched as if he had his suit on. Peter sprung from his side and grabbed the offending limb. Rogers froze in place, obviously not expecting that reaction. 

Peter frowned. “Keep your hands to yourself.” Rogers winced and attempted to tug his hand back as Peter tightened his grip. Glancing behind him, Peter saw Tony, arm still outstretched, eyes wide and breathing sharp.

“You’re gonna leave Mr Stark alone, people aren’t going to be on your side here. How do you think that’s gonna look? Captain America attacking Tony Stark.” Peter spoke lowly. “People aren’t too happy with you after the Civil War. We know you’re a bully, but do you really want the rest of the world to know that too?”

That made Rogers freeze again. Peter dropped his wrist and hurried over to Tony. Tony flashed him a fragile smile, “Let's go get that ice cream and we can eat in the workshop.”

Peter nodded and slotted himself against Tony’s side, flashing a last glare at Rogers over his shoulder as they walked away.

 

* * *

 

Tony had managed to hold it together until Peter left. He hadn’t had any of the ice cream, unable to deal with the cold. After Peter left, Tony pulled out the suit and started updating it, again.

He only lasted half an hour before his hands started shaking too much to hold the tools. He slumped over the desk, hands over his face, shaking with the heaving of his breaths. 

Tony heard the elevator doors opening and he tried to regain control of his breathing, to no avail. 

“Shit, Tony.” Tony recognised Bucky’s voice which only seemed to make the shaking worse. Something was placed on the desk beside him and he could sense Bucky hovering beside him.

“Uh, I don’t know how to help you Tony. Can I, I’m gonna touch your shoulder is that okay?” Bucky asked, remembering Tony’s words the first time he’d broken down during a B.A.R.F session. 

There was a slight nod and Bucky gripped Tony’s shoulder gently but firmly. The solid grasp seemed to ground Tony a little and Bucky took that as a sign he was on the right track. “Lets get you on the floor yeah? I can help breathe, like you do for me?” 

With another nod of Tony’s head, Bucky helped him lower himself from the chair to the floor.Kicking the chair away, Bucky let go of Tony’s shoulder to sit back to back with him. “In, out. Come on Tony, in, and out.” It didn’t seem to be helping though, Bucky could feel Tony trembling even more violently against his back, his breaths coming in small gasps as he tried to match his breathing with Bucky’s.

Tony had seemed to calm a little when Bucky had been holding his shoulders so he spun around and grasped his shoulder again. “Do you want me to hold you?” He pulled Tony towards himself slightly. Tony jerked his head slightly but seemed to catch himself as if he was unsure.

“It’s okay, I’m here Tony, just tell me how I can help you.” After a moment of hesitation, Tony tilted his head in a small nod. Bucky shuffled so that he was leaning against one of the table legs and pulled Tony into his lap, wrapping his arm around him.

Tony froze for a moment, unsure of what to do before relaxing slightly, letting his head drop onto Bucky’s chest. Bucky held him close, murmuring softly into his hair and slowly, Tony melted into him, and his breathing evened out. 

“Tony?” Bucky tilted his head to look down at Tony’s face. “Huh.” Bucky smiled softly, it seemed Tony had fallen asleep. He felt inexplicably pleased about that. 

Shuffling carefully, Bucky leant back, Tony still curled on his lap. U rolled over whirring quietly, a blanket and pillow in his claw. “Thanks pal.” Bucky reached up and took the pillow placing it behind his back, careful not to jostle Tony. U laid the blanket over the both of them before beeping happily and rolling away again. 

Wrapping his arm back around the smaller man, Bucky closed his eyes and drifted off with a smile on his face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh Steve, you were almost on the right track…  
> I had a lot of trouble writing this chapter, wasn’t a complete block because somehow chapter 10 got mostly written but was struggling with this one a lot.  
> Also I started writing another fic at like midnight the other night and I didn’t jot down any notes, just launched into the first chapter and I can’t remember where I was going with it and its super frustrating.


	8. Bullshit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who comments because it honestly puts a smile on my face. Special mention to Dirtkid123 and Pinxku who’ve been following my fic and commenting from the start. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and support.
> 
> Sorry this chapter is a week late, my life is just super hectic at the moment. And like I don't want to self diagnose or anything but I've been having minor panic attacks and just been generally quite anxious the last couple weeks so productivity hasn't been too great. Thanks for understanding and here's chapter 8.

“Hey there.” Bucky murmured, he’d woken when Tony had started twitching. He smiled softly at Tony as he watched him wake up. When Tony realised where he was, he tensed and Bucky ran his hand soothingly along Tony’s arm. “It's okay, you fell asleep and I didn’t want to wake you. D’you want to talk about it?” 

“I… We…” Tony took a deep breath and hid his face in Bucky’s chest. “Peter and I went to get ice cream and…” Tony shuddered slightly. 

Bucky waited patiently, letting Tony gather himself. 

Tony took another shaky breath but then stiffened suddenly, pushing away from Bucky’s chest. “Shit, sorry, sorry.” Tony scrambled to get off Bucky’s lap. Before he could fully stand, Bucky gently grasped his wrist. His grip was loose enough that Tony could easily pull his hand away if he wanted but it was enough to still his frantic movements and he turned to look cautiously at Bucky, wide eyed, confused and a little scared. 

“You can stay?” Bucky’s voice was hesitant, he wasn’t sure if he was overstepping. 

Tony shook his head and he continued to stand, pulling his wrist out of Bucky’s grasp. He seemed a little calmer now though, his movements less frantic. “Sorry, I’m not usually this pathetic.” His arms were crossed in front of his chest as if protecting himself and he gave Bucky a self depreciating smile.

“You ain’t pathetic.” Bucky frowned. It deepened when Tony choked out a harsh “Ha!” obviously not believing him. 

“You ain’t. Do you think I’m pathetic because of my panic attacks?” Bucky questioned almost aggressively. 

“No of course not!” Tony was quick to reassure him. 

“Then why are you?” 

“Its different, you spent seventy years being tortured by a terrorist organisation. I’m just…” 

“Tony, you were tortured, had a battery connected to your chest and then when you replaced it with the arc reactor, someone tried to kill you by taking it out. Then you flew into space with a nuke on your back. Space. Tony, that ain’t part of someone’s daily routine. You found out your parents’ deaths weren’t an accident but a murder.” Bucky choked on his words a little. “Then Steve and I beat you up and left you for dead. You should cut yourself some slack.” Bucky held Tony’s gaze before turning away, eyes downcast in guilt.

Tony chuckled darkly, “What a pair we make.”

He didn’t sit back down with Bucky, but he didn’t ask him to leave either. So Bucky stayed. He moved the plate of biscuits he’d made over from the bench near the door to Tony’s desk. Tony didn’t eat nearly enough, but it was usually because he just forgot. He usually couldn’t convince Tony to eat proper meals, but if he made something small and easy to snack on, Tony would grab them absently whilst he worked.

When the plate was empty, Bucky reluctantly stood and took it from the desk. “Did you like them?” 

“Mmmmmhmmm.” Tony nodded but seemed focused on his work. Bucky hesitated before making his way to the door. Tony was obviously busy and Bucky didn’t want to disturb him. It was nice enough that Tony let him into the workshop, he didn’t need to abuse that privilege by floating around in the way.

 

* * *

 

Hearing raised voices, Bucky pushed his door open and headed towards the common room.

“You’re arrogant and self obsessed, you only ever think about yourself. If you’d thought it through properly, you would have realised it’s wasn’t Bucky’s fault, a conclusion you’ve since reached.” Steve’s voice was strained as though he was trying not to yell.

“If someone had told me, maybe I would have, but no I had to watch it happen and then listen to you try and cover it up.” Tony, on the other hand, had no qualms raising his voice, although he wasn’t quite shouting yet.

“I knew you’d try and kill Bucky.” Steve ground out still attempting to restrain himself

“I wasn’t trying to kill him, I was just angry and yeah, violence isn’t really a healthy coping mechanism but not all of us can be Captain Perfect.” Tony spat back.

“You tore his damn arm off!” Steve yelled in distress, his self control snapping. 

“Because he was tearing out my arc reactor.” Tony ground out. 

“Which he wouldn’t have been doing if you weren’t tryin’ to kill him.”

“Steve that is enough. You really gonna tell me if someone had touched your Ma, you would’ve stood there and done nothing.” Bucky finally interjected, Tony was holding his ground but Bucky had had enough of Steve’s bullshit.

Steve deflated visibly at Bucky’s words. “He was trying to kill you.” He gave one last half hearted attempt at a defence. 

“Steve, if he was trying to kill me, I’d be dead.” Bucky sighed, he didn’t want to fight with Steve, “I know what that suit can do. You’ve seen the shit Tony can do with it. If he wanted me dead, I’d be dead.”

Steve swallowed uncomfortably, he had no response. Bucky was right, Tony had taken down people and things as strong as, if not stronger than the two of them with relative ease. The people Tony wanted dead, tended to be dead. And Steve had to admit, if Tony was capable of producing enough power to blast Bucky’s arm off, why would he have waited until Bucky had almost torn the reactor out to do so. 

“Were you ever going to tell me?” Tony’s voice came out cracked.

“Tony, please.” Steve looked more distraught than he had the right to be, Bucky thought to himself.

“Don’t bullshit me Rogers.” Tony’s voice was just as broken as the first time he’d said those words. 

“I,” Steve paused and turned his head to look away.

“I thought so.” Tony shook his head slightly. Struggling to keep his breathing he crossed his arms tight, as if trying to hold himself together. “I thought we were a family. I trusted you.” He still managed to glare accusingly at Steve.

Steve’s brow furrowed, visibly frustrated and seemingly unable to think of anything to say. It seemed like he was finally understanding the impact of what he did.

“The rest of you got anything to say?” Tony forced out almost aggressively.

Bucky glared round at the rest of the room. Lang had left the facility a few days ago and Romanov was currently out with Peter. But Sam, Barton and Maximoff were all sitting at the table behind Steve. Sam was frowning intensely at Steve’s back, Barton was staring at the floor and expression of confusion and shock on his face. However, Maximoff’s blank stare disturbed Bucky, she smirked quickly at him before the neutral mask slid back over again, if he had blinked he would have missed it.

“I’m sorry.” Sam’s frown softened as he looked over at Tony, the emotion thick in his voice and regret in his eyes. 

Tony took another shuddering breath, gave a sharp nod of acceptance and walked past Steve. Bucky glared at Steve once more, before hurrying after Tony. 

 

* * *

 

Bucky wanted to ask Tony if he was okay, but he knew what the answer was and Tony would probably brush him off and retreat further. So he asked “Can I stay in the workshop with you for a bit?” instead.

Tony nodded his assent, not trusting his voice quite yet. 

“What were you doing in the common room anyway Tony?” Bucky asked gently as the elevator doors opened to the workshop.

“Maximoff broke all of FRIDAY’s cameras and speakers so I had to go and fix them.” Tony shrugged. He still had his arms crossed tightly and he was curled into himself. Bucky wanted to wrap his arm around Tony and hold him tight but he remembered Tony’s early reaction and shoved his hand into his pocket instead.

Bucky remembered her earlier smirk. He’d put money on that having been a setup. If all of FRIDAY’s surveillance on that floor was damaged, Tony would have to go up there to fix it. No wonder all of them were in the common room when he’d gotten there. It had seemed a little odd.

His fist clenched slightly in his lap as he sat on the couch. He thought Steve was starting to understand, obviously not if he was staging stupid scenes to manipulate Tony into talking to him. Sam and Barton had looked fairly upset, if not angry at Steve. Maybe they’d get through to him. 

Who was he kidding? Steve was the most stubborn person he knew and if Bucky couldn’t make a difference, he doubted the other two could.

Bucky shrugged off his jacket as he noticed the room getting warmer. When it continued to heat up, he looked up from his book to ask Tony to turn the fan on. But one glance told him Tony was less okay than he’d first thought. Tony was shivering and hugging himself.

Bucky immediately jumped from the couch and hurried over. “Tony?” His voice was tentative and he stopped a few paces away as if he was approaching a skittish animal. “What’s wrong?”

“C…cold, s’cold.” 

Bucky frowned, “FRIDAY, what’s the temperature in here?” Perhaps Tony was coming down with something. 

“The thermostat is currently set to 80 degrees Fahrenheit.” FRIDAY supplied.

Bucky moved to place the back of his hand on Tony’s forehead but pulled back when Tony flinched away almost violently. “Shit, sorry doll, should’a warned you. I’m just gonna check if you have a temperature, can I do that?” 

“I do not believe Boss the boss has a fever.” FRIDAY cut in. “I cannot provide any further information without consent from Boss.” 

Bucky turned his focus back to Tony who was still shivering. “Hey Tony, can FRIDAY tell me what’s goin’ on?” Bucky suspected it was another panic attack but with the shivering, he wanted to be sure he wasn’t sick or hadn’t forgotten to eat and starved himself again.

“I’m ‘kay.” Tony mumbled.

“Tony, I'm not stupid, you ain’t near okay right now.” Bucky knelt down beside his chair. “Hey, look at me.” He tried to make his voice as soft and gentle as he could. “I ain’t gonna judge, okay?”

Tony held his gaze for a moment before looking away. “Psych said ‘s PTSD. Get real c-cold, p-panic attacks.” He stammered through chattering teeth. “The f-fun s-stuff.” Bucky could tell the humour was forced but at least Tony was answering him.

Bucky quickly hurried back to the couch and grabbed his jacket, returning to awkwardly wrap Tony in it. It seemed to help a little as his shivering became less violent. He knelt back down beside the chair and looked up at Tony, “D’you want me to hold you again? It might help, I run warmer than the average person, super soldier metabolism and all that.” 

Tony shook his head. He hesitated for a moment before opening his mouth to speak. “Maybe, you could hold my hand? It helps sometimes, grounds me.” His voice was small and vulnerable, as if he thought Bucky would turn him away. 

Offering Tony a small smile, Bucky reached out with his hand “Of course doll.” 

If Tony had been looking, he would have seen Bucky’s eyes light up when he whispered a quiet “Thanks,” and reached out to grasp Bucky’s offered hand. 

 

* * *

 

“What the fuck was that Steve.” Sam shot out after they heard the elevator doors close in the corridor. 

“Yeah, you wanna explain yourself Cap?” Clint seemed to have snapped out of his temporary stupor.

“I... I was just trying to protect Bucky.” At least he had the decency to look ashamed rather than righteous now.

“What the hell happened? You telling me I left my family so you could go skipping off into the sunset with your old war buddy?” Clint stood, his anger growing. “This was never about the accords was it?”

“Yes it, I, no, I...” Steve stumbled over his words.

“Oh what does it matter, Stark is just being dramatic as usual.” Wanda spoke up from the far end of the table where she was still sitting relaxed in her chair.

“No, you shut up, I want an answer.” Clint spat out, “I almost lost my family over this.” This seemed to shock Wanda enough that she didn’t reply. Clint had always been on her side until now. Clint had probably lost the most on their side, and over the last few weeks, he had been feeling the full consequences of his actions. Since returning to the US, Laura had not allowed Clint anymore contact with the kids than a few video calls. Nat was also barely talking to him and he missed their friendship. 

“Steve, what actually happened in Siberia.” Sam’s voice was hard and his gaze bored into Steve. He had put his full trust in Steve and he was starting to regret that choice. 

“It was a trap, for us. Zemo, he wanted us to find him. The other Winter Soldiers, they were already dead. He killed them all whilst they were still in cryo. He showed us a video.” Steve’s face twisted in a grimace. “Tony’s parents, it wasn’t an accident, they were murdered by HYDRA.”

Steve looked around at the others who said nothing watching him expectantly. They weren’t going to be satisfied with a half answer. _“Don’t bullshit me Rogers!”_ Tony’s accusing voice echoed in his head.

“HYDRA sent the Winter Soldier to cause an ‘accident’. Tony was, upset. He tried to attack Bucky and I tried to stop him.” Steve knew he could leave it at that, but it wasn’t the whole truth. _“Don’t bullshit me Rogers.”_ Jaw working in frustration, Steve swallowed before continuing, “He asked me if I knew, I said no.” 

“‘Don’t bullshit me Rogers’, he said that to me then too.” Steve felt the weight of their stares and couldn’t bring himself to meet their eyes. “I told him, I didn't know it was Bucky. And then we fought.” Steve gave a small shrug, his jaw still clenched, lips pursed and staring at a spot on the floor. 

“And the two of you beat him and left him in the cold.” Sam filled in, recalling the phone call with Nat.

Steve looked up and opened his mouth before snapping it shut and looking away again, shame colouring his cheeks.

“He deserved it.” Wanda spat out, speaking up again, “He shouldn’t have attacked Bucky.”

“We forgave you for your actions in your misguided attempt for revenge,” Clint looked at her with disappointment. “You of all people should have some understanding.” Wanda wilted slightly in her seat before huffing and rolling her eyes and leaving the room.

“I need to think.” Clint ground out, he had a better rein on his anger but it was still simmering visibly below the surface. He grabbed his bow from where it was leaning against the wall, climbed up onto the table and into the vent above it.

“Steve, you need to go talk to someone. And not me. For one, I’m your friend and that is a massive conflict of interest. And two, to be honest, I’m kind of pissed off with you right now. What you did, that was shit. But then you lied about it. You lied to Stark and you lied to me. You told me he just attacked Bucky out of the blue.” Sam’s face was twisted into a pained grimace.

“I didn’t lie, I just didn’t…” Steve tried to defend himself.

“You lied Steve.” Sam gave him a hard look before turning and leaving the room.

“Sam…” Steve called out after him but he didn’t turn around, leaving Steve alone in the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the topic of punching Steve because I got a few comments expressing something of the sort after the last chapter, I don’t know if that's going to happen in this fic. I might write a small spin-off if I can flesh out more of a plot than just Peter or Bucky punching Steve because honestly, I want that to happen too. It's just not in line with where I want the characters to go in this fic.


	9. Author’s note

Sorry this isn’t a chapter, its just been a couple weeks and I’m still not going to be able to update for a bit and I wanted to explain so I’m not leaving you all hanging.

Basically two things. The first is that I’m super busy right now with uni and I’m also the President of the uni climbing club. Because of that and also other life things, I’m still having panic attacks and its not been great for productivity including writing. 

The second is at the end of last week, i lost my entire bag. That included my laptop and ipad so I don’t have anything to write on right now. Luckily everything was backed up but other than my phone I don’t have anything. Also because I lost my wallet and bullet journal, since they were in the bag, my life is even more of a mess right now.

I’ll be getting a new laptop this week so next update will be on Monday 17th June. After that I start exams and then I’m away until the 14th of July. I’ll try and write a few chapters in advance and I might write whilst I’m away but i can’t promise anything between 17 Jun and 22 Jul.

Sorry about the wait, I really do enjoy writing but sometimes it needs to take a backseat and I‘m going to need a bit of me time after exams so whilst I may do some writing I don’t want to set any deadlines for the couple weeks I’m away.

Thank you all for your support, patience and understanding.

With Love,

Birdie


	10. Signed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we have an update! Sorry it’s been so long and thank you for your patience. I haven’t deleted the authors note because I don’t want to lose all your kind words. My life was slightly more under control, my bag was picked up and they happened to go to the same uni luckily! Shit hit the fan again and I’ve booked in to see a psych, wait times are stupidly long but I’ve got an appointment for December so yay. I’m realising a few things about my brain which might explain a lot of the things I’ve been struggling with lately but yeah, progress. I'm not 100% happy with this chapter, brain juices just weren’t flowing, but hope y’all enjoy anyways :)

“Congrats Buckaroo, you’re officially trigger free.” Tony emerged from behind the screen, helping Bucky remove the headset. “I’ll send the data to the Princess to double check but I don’t think she’ll give you a different answer.

“I gotta be sure, we have to test them.” Bucky looked Tony in the eye, his voice steady and firm. He had given it a lot of thought. As much as Princess Shuri and Tony might trust the scans, he needed proof that they weren’t going to work.

Tony frowned, but nodded, they’d discussed this when Bucky had begun the treatment. 

Bucky sat still, fighting his instinct to bolt. He knew, even if the programming was still active, Tony wouldn’t make him do anything. 

Steeling himself almost as much as Bucky was, Tony took a breath and started reciting the trigger words. The rushed out of his mouth like a teenager asking their crush to prom. There was no rhythm or cadence. Despite that, the words flowed over Bucky like a current, rushing around him and pulling. But they flowed past harmlessly. 

“грузовой вагон” _Freight car._

Tony closed the small holographic screen he’d been reading off and looked at Bucky anxiously, waiting to see his reaction. 

“It worked.” Bucky’s eyes met Tony’s, tears already streaming. “It worked!” Then quieter, “Thank you, Tony.” There was a look of happiness and wonder on his face as he beamed at Tony.

Tony grinned, for the first time since Siberia, he felt warm. He memorised the unadulterated joy on Bucky’s face, he made that happen. Tony wanted to put it there again and again. He wanted to feel this warmth again.

 

* * *

 

“Thank you, Tony.” Bucky’s face hurt with how hard he was smiling. He didn’t bother to wipe the tears that trailed down his cheeks. 

He slowly placed his hand on Tony’s elbow and cautiously pulled him closer to envelop him in a one armed hug, giving Tony time to back out if he wasn’t comfortable.

“Oookay, we’re hugging, that’s a thing.” Tony mumbled into his shoulder. Bucky almost let go when Tony’s arms wrapped around his back and melted into his chest.

Still holding onto Tony, Bucky shut his eyes and asked, “D’you maybe, uh, will you go on a date with me?” 

Tony twitched in his arm, and pulled back slightly but didn’t let go. “Huh?”

“I mean, now that the triggers are gone, and I just, I wanna take you out.” Bucky stumbled over his words. He hadn’t really thought this far ahead, to be honest he hadn’t thought about it at all until he was holding Tony against his chest and realised how much he wanted to keep him there.

Tony frowned slightly, “You aren’t doing this because we got rid of the triggers right? You know you don’t owe me anything.”

Bucky cut him off before he could go any further, “I'm asking you because I like you Tony.” When the frown didn’t go away, Bucky continued. “I’m asking ‘cause I like talking to you and spending time in your shop.” He pulled Tony back into his chest for emphasis. “So what d’you say, will you go out with me?” he mumbled into the top of Tony’s head, his sudden confidence slipping away just as quickly. 

“Okay.” Bucky almost missed it with the way Tony’s face was pressed into his chest again. “Okay, you can take me on a date.”

 

* * *

 

Bucky lay on his bed staring at the ceiling. He hadn’t really thought about what they were going to do, considering he still wasn’t allowed to leave the compound. 

Unless, he signed the Accords.

He hadn’t given it much thought, he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to be an Avenger, he’d had enough of the fighting. But he didn’t really know much about the Accords either so it wouldn’t be a bad idea to learn. 

Getting up quickly, he left his room and knocked on Sam’s door. “Hey bird boy, open up.” He banged on the door, not too hard, but loudly and continuously until Sam opened the door.

“What do you want Barnes?” Sam grumbled, but not unkindly.

“Can you tell me about the accords?” He smirked at Sam’s surprised expression.

“Uh sure, come in I guess.” Sam stepped aside to let Bucky in.

 

* * *

 

When Tony arrived back at his workshop, he was still processing what had happened and he almost missed the sticky note left on the door. 

“I’m sorry.” was scrawled messily on the note with a small arrow pointing down and left. Following the direction of the arrow, Tony found a quiver half full of arrows and a bow laid against the doorframe.

“FRIDAY?” The question clear in Tony’s voice.

“Agent Barton has decided not to sign the Accords and is retiring. He will be leaving the compound tomorrow.” FRIDAY provided 

“Ahh.” Tony carefully picked up the quiver. On top, there was another note, taking everything with him, he moved into his workshop, sitting at his desk before unfolding the note. 

_Dear_ _Stark_ _,_ _Tony_ _, Tony,_

_I’m just gonna say it like it is, I fucked up. I’m sorry. We were a team and I didn’t even stop to listen to your side. Nat not following Rogers should have been my first clue. Anyway, you probably don’t want to hear my excuses. I get why you didn’t want to talk to any of us. So I’m not going to push that, but I wanted you to know I’m sorry. For not listening, for the shit I said to you and about you._

_I’m moving back out to the farm, retiring for good this time._

_Sorry,_

_Clint Barton_

Tony let out a deep breath he didn’t realise he’d been holding. In all honesty, he wasn’t sure what he had expected from Barton, but it certainly hadn’t been this. Taking a deep breath, he set the note down. The constant bussing of panic in the back of his mind settled a little, Wilson had seemed genuinely sorry and honestly seemed to be making an effort with the new Accords. Lang and Barton had left and resigned, and Rogers also seemed to be giving him space after last week’s confrontation. Maximoff was still floating around but seemed more occupied with chasing after Vision than targeting Tony at the moment. 

Tony startled a little as the workshop doors opened suddenly but relaxed as he saw Rhodey walk through. “God Tony it’s like a sauna in here.” He shrugged off his jacket. Rogers had shut himself away so Tony hadn’t seen him recently, but the panic attacks hadn’t eased up. “Have you been talking to the therapist?”

“Yeah, we spoke.” Tony turned his back on Rhodey, picking something up from his desks and fiddling with it. 

“Tony...” There was a hint of warning in Rhodey’s voice. 

“Yeah I know, no more self-destructive coping methods.” Tony shrugged. “I am talking to him I swear.” Tony passed the letter to Rhodey and spun back to his work. “Barton apologised.”

“Did he now?” Rhodey questioned, “And what did he say?”

Tony didn’t reply just passed the letter without turning away from his work.

“It's about time he pulled his head out of his ass.” Rhodey commented. “And its a better letter than Rogers’ bullshit.” Tony just shrugged.

Concern flashed in Rhodey’s eyes but his voice was relaxed as he leant over the desk. “Show me what you’re doing.” Tony obviously didn’t want to discuss it further. 

Tony launched into an explanation of the schematics projected in front of them, not so subtly leaning against Rhodey’s arm. 

 

* * *

 

“That seems pretty reasonable to me. Was the original version so different?” Bucky looked up from the overview Colonel Rhodes had provided Sam with. 

“There were more clauses on registration of super humans but I think Rhodes and Stark worked them out of the Accords.”Sam explained. 

Bucky frowned. “So, why is Steve so against them?”

Sam grimaced slightly, “I don’t think it was so much the Accords Steve didn’t agree with, it was Stark. Now, I think he’s just being stubborn on principle, but it was about more than just the Accords. It was about him and Stark. And you.” 

Bucky sighed, Steve had always been stubborn. It wasn’t so bad when he was a small, but with the serum and the social and political power as Captain America, his narrow minded stubbornness seemed more of a danger than an annoyance.

“And you’re signing too?” Bucky fingered the paper in his hands.

“Already have. I’ve got to go through a few more things before they put me on the Avengers roster but I’m a free man.”

“Could you tell Colonel Rhodes I’m willing to sign?” Bucky asked. 

Sam grinned, “Yeah man, I can do that.” 

 

* * *

 

“Wilson said you are ready to sign?” Rhodes sat across from him at the table in the conference room. 

Bucky nodded, “I’ve been reading through them, they seem very reasonable.”

Rhodes inclined his head. “Do you have any questions before you sign?” He pushed a few appears across the table towards Bucky.

“Nothing about the Accords specifically, Sam and the lawyers were quite helpful. I, it’s just I, after I sign, what happens in regards to my pardon?” Bucky slid the papers closer and picked up the pen placed on top. 

“Tony told me the BARF treatment was successful, so once you sign, you’ll be free to leave the facility. You may remain in residence here however you are also permitted to seek living arrangements outside of the facility. You can’t be placed on the active duty roster until you are cleared for that. However, you will be contacted in the case of a major incident, think world ending or alien invasion, New York situation.” Rhodes explained.

“I thought the psychs cleared me already?” Bucky questioned. 

“They’ve cleared you for civilian life, not for active combat. You’re cleared in the sense you don’t have to be admitted to a psych ward. You’ll need to continue seeing the psychs for awhile before you’re cleared for active duty.”

Bucky nodded and started reading through and initialling the papers. “Not too sure I want to go back to active service.” He grimaced slightly, he’d do his bit when the time came, but he was sick of the fighting, the violence. 

“You can elect to be put on the roster as a reserve when you’re cleared.” Rhodes offered from where he was now lounging back in his seat.

Bucky nodded, “Yeah that would be good.” He signed the last page before sliding it back over the table. Rhodes flicked through the papers, signed as the witness and placed the papers back into an envelope.

“I’ll scan these into the system and send you a copy.” Rhodes sighed, rubbed his hand over his face and leaned back in his chair. “Maybe now Rogers will stop being such a stubborn ass about this.”

“Somehow, I think that's unlikely.” Bucky commented wryly as he stood up, he heard Rhodes snort as he left the room.

Bucky headed back up to the communal floor and immediately went to bang on Sam’s door. 

“What now Barnes?” Sam scowled but his tone was playful.

“Put on a shirt, we’re going out.” Bucky demanded.

“Uh, what?” Sam stood there slightly confused.

“I signed, so I’m off lockdown. Hurry up bird brain, I want to go explore New York.” Bucky crossed his arms.

“Fine fine.” Sam grumbled as he moved to pull a shirt out of his drawers. “So where are we going?” His voice slightly muffled as he pulled the t-shirt over his head.

“Uhhh, I hadn’t thought that far ahead yet.” Bucky mumbled sheepishly. He should have thought it through before he came up here and bothered Sam. 

Sam opened his mouth with a grin, then shut it again. Whilst he usually was ready to give Bucky shit, he could tell when it wasn’t a good idea. He didn’t give therapy to his friends, that was a massive conflict of interest, but he could tell Bucky’s anxiety was worse than he let on. “Well, why don’t we just go for a walk then.”

They took the elevator down to the basement and got into one of the cars. Stark had provided the Avengers Team members with cars to borrow and since they’d both signed, they were able to sign out the keys with their IDs.

For the first time since arriving at the facility, Bucky left. As they sped towards the city, he realised, he didn’t have to go back. He could look for a place of his own. His apartment in Bucharest hadn’t been much but it had been his. Whilst he wouldn’t leave the facility just yet, the thought gave him purpose. He’d find a job and save up and hopefully, at some point, he’d be able to be his own person again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I'm thinking I might start cross-posting this on Tumblr because it would be nice to have more interaction with y'all.


End file.
